Jun 21, 2009

an apology by off-line IM

Just as i was replying to an email by Onyx last night (btw, i love you and miss you, sis) i got another email: it was an IM i received as off-line message, sent by d*, the woman who i still regret to have talked with.
She obviously read my blog and saw my lines, reading:
"I really do hope she doesn't or already didn't try to intervene, it would make everything worse. Though - what is worse than being abandoned by one's beloved Mistress? Abandoned by the center of one's universe?"

Hence she wrote me:
"I will not intervene per your wishes...thank you so very much [...] it was a great comfort to me. I am sorry it came at such a great expense to you."

Gosh even though i don't want to doubt she was sincere, i do doubt that she even has a clue about how great an expense this is to me.

The very person who awakened me, formed me, molded me, taught me; the person who loved me so much and who i adore and whose feet i kiss; the person who never ever wanted to let me leave Her; the person who is the very Center of my universe: my MISTRESS, did abandon me! Me, who was Her First Girl, Her pet slave - and why? Because She righteously felt deceived by my help towards this woman.
And even though it breaks my heart, and i still feel numb and devastated, i do understand Her reaction and know i deserved it. I'm sure though that She suffers as much as i do from this Her decision, because She still loves me as much as i still love Her. I just know it. But i disappointed Her way too much.

Even though one may think, it's just natural for a slave to be polite and helpful and comforting a person in need: in this special case it would have been most appropriate to just tell d*: "please leave me in peace, i don't want to be involved " and then leave the place asap after muting her. This would have shown real loyalty towards my Mistress. I know this now. Now, that it's too late.
Only Heaven knows how deeply i do regret this talk. But only Heavens know if i ever am forgiven.

I remember that i was warned months ago that d* might approach me, and that i should mute her - but either i forgot this warning or her name, or i was too nosy once again - i don't know anymore: i agreed to talk, and now i pay for it.

Nonetheless, and beyond all reason, i still hope Mistress will forgive me and take me back.

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