Jun 23, 2009

Happy again

oh I'm so happy! Even despite i know that punishments await me, I'm happy: I am allowed to wear my Mistress' collar again, feel Her presence with me, Her care. Thank you very very much, Mistress!

The night before yesterday Onyx made me come online. I was so glad she made it to SL despite being not at home, and despite she has to pay for online time.
I showed her the church i built, and got tips how she would like it more. I hope she will like it once its finished.

After she logged off for the night (and i couldn't sleep despite i had a half bottle of wine) i invited my friend Mortal to show him/her (a RL man with a female avatar - but he always states that he is a male who just does "prefer to see a beautiful avi over a male one") the church and my little shop. He showed me some mistakes i made (flickering borders between prims, or not matching textures) but in general he was impressed, knowing that i began building much later than he did. I really appreciate his judgement, since he is a very talented and much-demanded builder.

Last night, Master Thorin logged in to speak with Mistress. Suddenly He asked me where i did get the money from to pay the fees for the land - and i said Misty lent it to me. He said okay, and then went forward with His thing on SL. I chewed on my nails watching Him from the kitchen, hoping He wouldn't intervene - i wanted my Mistress to decide on Her own, not by intervention by those who love me: I thought intervention would just make it worse and let Her decide to let me leave for good and never take me back.

After a while He logged off and just stated, "You will wait at least one hour after I left the house before you log in." Then he prepared for leaving to go to His nightshift job.
I was like "huh?" but I obeyed. I thought He might have a reason for having me wait. And when He checks the logs He will see anyway when i log in and off.

After a little more than one hour, i finally logged in. And short after i greeted my Mistress and began to write another message to beg her, i got a tp invite: Mistress invited me to House of V and said i should kneel at Her side, then She told me in IM to put the collar back on.

GOSH I cried of joy when i saw the message!

While i danced for Her per Her wish, She told me there will be hard punishment. I thanked Her even for that message. Yes there will be a punishment, and it will be deserved.
And maybe it even will be hard for Onyx to see me punished - but everything, any punishment my Mistress will choose in Her knowledge about me, will be much less hurting than being abandoned. Even if it reaches or even expands my limits.

Dear Mistress, i love you and thank you very much for having taken me back. And Onyx, i love you too and thank you for having comforted me so much.

Jun 21, 2009

an apology by off-line IM

Just as i was replying to an email by Onyx last night (btw, i love you and miss you, sis) i got another email: it was an IM i received as off-line message, sent by d*, the woman who i still regret to have talked with.
She obviously read my blog and saw my lines, reading:
"I really do hope she doesn't or already didn't try to intervene, it would make everything worse. Though - what is worse than being abandoned by one's beloved Mistress? Abandoned by the center of one's universe?"

Hence she wrote me:
"I will not intervene per your wishes...thank you so very much [...] it was a great comfort to me. I am sorry it came at such a great expense to you."

Gosh even though i don't want to doubt she was sincere, i do doubt that she even has a clue about how great an expense this is to me.

The very person who awakened me, formed me, molded me, taught me; the person who loved me so much and who i adore and whose feet i kiss; the person who never ever wanted to let me leave Her; the person who is the very Center of my universe: my MISTRESS, did abandon me! Me, who was Her First Girl, Her pet slave - and why? Because She righteously felt deceived by my help towards this woman.
And even though it breaks my heart, and i still feel numb and devastated, i do understand Her reaction and know i deserved it. I'm sure though that She suffers as much as i do from this Her decision, because She still loves me as much as i still love Her. I just know it. But i disappointed Her way too much.

Even though one may think, it's just natural for a slave to be polite and helpful and comforting a person in need: in this special case it would have been most appropriate to just tell d*: "please leave me in peace, i don't want to be involved " and then leave the place asap after muting her. This would have shown real loyalty towards my Mistress. I know this now. Now, that it's too late.
Only Heaven knows how deeply i do regret this talk. But only Heavens know if i ever am forgiven.

I remember that i was warned months ago that d* might approach me, and that i should mute her - but either i forgot this warning or her name, or i was too nosy once again - i don't know anymore: i agreed to talk, and now i pay for it.

Nonetheless, and beyond all reason, i still hope Mistress will forgive me and take me back.

Jun 20, 2009


I couldn't tell my fiancee of what has happened - and until now He doesn't know about this blog yet. Still He is wondering what bothers me right now. But i couldn't tell Him...
It just hurts too much, i couldn't log into SL today. My shame and guilt is bigger than my addiction to SL.
I do hope though that (my) Mistress understands that i stayed off-line.

Just as i was distracting my mind writing, i got an off-line message of the woman i had talked with: she offered to intervene on my behalf.
I wasn't able to even react, my mind was drawn back to my devastating mistake, and my first reaction was that i just moved the mail into the junk folder.
I really do hope She doesn't or already didn't try to intervene, it would make everything worse. Though - what is worse than being abandoned by one's beloved Mistress? Abandoned by the center of one's universe? No i really couldn't go on-line today. :(

Jun 19, 2009


I still can't believe it. It seems to be over. I ruined my life - my second Life at least.

Now i am abandoned - and i'm afraid there's no way back to the only person i love as much as i love my RL fiancee: my Mistress.

If She doesn't forgive me and accepts me again - what sense will it make to ever go to SL again?

I made the mistake to talk with a woman i shouldn't talk with; and believing this woman, i tried to comfort her because she seemed hurt and distraught.
Since i helped a friend in a similar case in RL (friends in divorce) by blaming the man even though he was also a friend of me ("sometimes people are dear friends even despite they do things one dislikes") i transfered this RL case onto the case this woman talked to me about, and ...

... well...

... re-reading the logs, my replies really could be understood as deceiving my Mistress - which i had never intended. She means the world for me, i would never intentionally deceive Her.

I thought i would never lose my loyalty to Mistress or fail to obey Her. But i know now: if i had been really obedient i would have ignored that woman, left her and muted her.

Unfortunately my Mistress learned about that i had a talk with that woman, and had me give Her the log of that dialog - it was in local chat anyway. And -- gosh was She mad at me! She still is.

I even had to detach my collar that shows that i am Her property. :(

I am devastated - beyond words.
Heart-broken, numb and shocked and crying all day in RL.
And i'm mad at me myself, because it was my own fault that forced my Mistress to disown me. It was me and my own damned stupidity and credulousness that ruined everything.

Against all reason i hope that my Mistress will forgive me and take me back ... For me, She will never be anything else than my Mistress.
Even though i'm not allowed to wear Her collar anymore, i still feel as Her slave after all: since i became Her slave She has become the center of my SL universe -- where shall i go to if She really insists that i have to leave? If she won't listen to my begging for a second chance?
All i can do now is showing Her that i still feel as Her slave, obeying Her, begging Her, hoping that She takes me back. I still love Her so very much.


I rather would suffer all the punishments possible through the RLV - if i only were allowed to wear Her collar again

Jun 17, 2009

Service in Frankfurt, a Kiss, and RL issues

Today i did not only visit the CG (Community Gateway a.k.a. Welcome Area) in Frankfurt but also served there one hour - yes i call it serving, not working, because i consider it a service when i explain newbies the first steps in SL.

After that i was teleported to the place where my Mistress was: at the skybox of Master Vincent. He made Her and me test some poseballs - and one of the positions He could select from (i think via a HUD or so) was a kiss - so while my Mistress was afk, i could kiss Her right on Her lips.

Well Mistress must have liked it - because She smiled all the time when She was present in SL between the times She had to be present in RL...
Well even though RL pays the money W/we need to live in SL, it sometimes gets in the way of having fun.

Jun 16, 2009

A nice Quotation

Even though i don't like the world of Gor and find the books of the Gor Chronicles quite boring, there are some jewels to be found in these books written by John Norman, just like this one:
“Do your best,” said Feike. “Each of us is a different slave. Each of us unique. Each of us precious, no matter what the beasts say. Certainly they bid hard enough to own us, they fight wars to possess us, they risk their lives to steal us, they fight for us, they kill for us, do not let them tell you you are not important and valuable! Each of us is different, and special. Each must try to be the slave she is, not another slave, but the slave she is, the deepest and most profound slave, which is her deepest self. Remember, there is no other slave such as I, and there is no other slave such as you.”
Prize of Gor Ch 24

At home again

it took a while to catch up here. Gosh it IS terrible to be disconnected from everyone.
Anyways, after 2 days of catching up by phone, chat, meeting people and in SL, its so good to be home again :)

I enjoyed my time in SL even though i couldn't spend much time with Mistress: her RL job and her other duties in SL didn't allow it. But it's not the quantity but the quality that counts - so i really cannot complain :)

Plus: I could start to build the chapel Misty had ordered and paid for. But well... from planned 35 prims I'm now at nearly 70 - and i'm still looking for the optimal textures

here's a rough draft (as i scribbled it down on paper):

Well, the real building does look different - but in general it's the same principle :) And, it has nothing to do anymore (except the size) with the first raw model i rezzed:

Oh by the way: this is on one of the 50x50 sky platforms above "Thorin's Land", a 4096sqm parcel at the North East corner of Temptations which is O/our home.
On the ground, there is a nice medieval house and (my) well, and a nice landscape including a hidden pier on the very corner with a little boat;

2000m above there is a platform which is my workshop where i build things as long as the prims allow it,

(and the shop will move to Tempting as soon as Mistress has time to deal with it)

on 4000m there is the prison and dungeon where there is a cross, and a cage and the kennel - and more if needed
- and the platforms at 1000m and 3000m are not used yet - no clue what Master Thorin needs them for.

Jun 14, 2009

Family Trip. Day 6: Saturday

... or: Coming Home

Oh my how have i waited for today! As in the last nights, i was awake very early - from 4am i was in the kitchen, smoking, then i went to bed again short before my parents woke up.
I really couldn't sleep anymore.
Anyways, after our good-bye visits Aunt, brother and cousin we had lunch, then my parents acompanied us to the train station in K**.

According to plan, we should arrive in Halle and have about 15 minutes untill the next train would depart - but our luck was bad: the train arrived with delay, 15 minutes after the scheduled time. Of course we didn't catch our train and had to wait for the next connection which was a bit less convenient: instead of changing trains 3 times from Halle, we had to change 5 times now - though the travel time was a half hour shorter. Though we departed from Halle more than one hour later, we arrived at home only 30 minutes later than on the original schedule.

Gosh what is to report from this kind of travel otherwise than having had good talks or a nap every once and then ... Anyways first thing i did after MAster Thorin and i arrived at home was calling my parents that we arrived safely, and putting all the food they gave us into the fridge.

Then, i asked Master Thorin if i could say hello to Mistress and onyx...

He was as tired as i was, and after a shower He kissed me, then went to bed, not wanting to mess around with a computer again for a while.

So it was me who checked the emails, and then i logged into SL.

After a while, onyx and Mistress came online as well and we spent a wonderful night. Oh i was so happy to see them again, it wasn't missing much and i would have cried of joy only because i was there with Mistress and onyx.

Gosh am i really that emotionally dependant of my Mistress? *sigh*

In RL i had to work hard to not laugh out loud when Mistress played with one man who came to see Her after we had a nice time.
This man, Master n**, tried to pretend to be a Gorean Master and a Dom, but had not enough dominance in Him to be equal to Her. After a few minutes i didn't think otherwise that the next thing he would do was to kneel and submit to Her... He didn't do that though - he left with an excuse. *smile*

Then, when i just started to have some strawberries at the desk - i use to have my cigarettes or my coffee or little snacks at the desk that i don't have to leave the keyboard for longer than a few seconds - Mistress gave onyx a task involving strawberries ... I'm still giggling as i write these lines when thinking about this task... *g* strawberries and cherries really are erotic fruits .

Anyway, the tears were flowing when onyx said her good-bye for the next two weeks: she will go to a vacation on Sunday. Even despite i envy her because i've never been where she's heading to, i am sad that she has to leave and will miss her very much.

But at least i could spend a night with her and see that everything was okay.

I realized tonight, that my true home is not only the place i live with Master Thorin in RL - but that it also is in SL as well, where my dear Mistress is all around me.

Jun 13, 2009

Family Trip. Day 5: Friday

I woke up very late and had a nice hang-over. Actually it was late enough to prepare lunch, and Master Thorin told me it would be my task to prepare it today. Much to my parents' surprise, who never ever saw me in the kitchen i managed to prepare a goulash.

The rest o the day i was serving my parents and my Fiancee - and my serving, and their love made me think of pleasing them rather than worrying and being home-sick to my Mistress.

Gosh even though i enjoy my time here in Real Life and with my parents and my Fiancee Master Thorin, i so miss SecondLife and my Mistress, and to not even be able to contact Her via Yahoo is so awful, i absolutely look forward to coming home.

Family Trip. Day 4: Thursday

or, worrying and home-sick

Today i woke up at around 2:30am, after a real short sleep: If it was one hour, it was long. I was dreaming of Mistress and Onyx and had a feeling that something happened. Again I searched both our backpacks and my purse for the UMTS stick and cursed silently that i forgot it at home. I've never regretted it more, and missed both of them more than ever.

I couldn't fall asleep again immediately, so i went to the kitchen, the only room where smoking is allowed in the entire apartment (and only while its door is closed), smoked a cigarette, and began reading. I so hoped that Misty was okay and still my dear sister Onyx. I would miss her if she gave up or were released tonight. And i especially hoped that my Mistress was well and okay too. I love Her too much to not be bothered if something bad happened.

Nonetheless the book caught me finally and i forgot the time until i heard the door opening: Master Thorin came and wanted to smoke a cigarette as well: it was 7:00am now, and the sun was shining through the open window.

After that we went to bed again, and snuggling into his arms i finally fell asleep. Of course i was grumpy when my parents woke us up for breakfast.

When we accompanied my Dad to a visit at one of his doctors, Thorin was the driver of Dad's car. I went outside for a cigarette, and my Fiancee followed me.

He asked me what i were worried about and i told Him that i was thinking of Mistress and Onyx and that i was worrried that something might have happened. And i told Him that i was sad and angry about myself because i forgot the UMTS stick that could enable us to go on-line. Even though Master Thorin tried to calm me and said it were okay, such things could happen,and that no-one were perfect, i could tell that He was disappointed. Well, of all things He could expect me to think of the only thing that could connect me to one of my addictions: the Internet.

Even when one of my brothers came to see my parents in the afternoon, together with his wife and daughter, i still thought of my Mistress and Onyx, and when my niece talked to me about her past life in SL, i sighed and surprised the girl with telling her my name. *grin*
We've been on each other's friendslist since a few days after i saw her at the Mormon sim Adam-Ondi--Ahman, and we talked a bit about my friends on that place - but she admitted that she left SL lately, and even deleted her account because her SL relationship became a risk for her RL relationship.
This again made me think of my Mistress and Onyx again and i became sad, missing them.
It became impossible to change subject, and we talked until she and her parents left.

In this night i made a loooooong walk alone, and returned after midnight and drunk.

I so look forward to see my Mistress and Onyx again on Saturday: i missed them so much tonight, it literally hurted. Of course i also miss Rubina, and my friends on the Frankfurt sims and elsewhere as well - but not as much as i miss these two.

Family Trip. Day 3: Wednesday

or, busy and talkative

We woke up by the sound of the laundry machine, which my Mom started while she prepared breakfast. right after breakfast i helped her with the laundry and it was so nice to have a mother-daughter- talk (though it became kind of embarrassing when she mentioned the "biological clock"). She looked somewhat satisfied when i shrugged, replied "when it happens, it happens, i don't plan to become pregnant - but i also don't prevent it", and changed topic.

Thorin helped Dad meanwhile with lunch, and then we went to K**, to the supermarket. On the way back, we stopped at some cherry trees near the borders of R***, that grew on parcels that haven't claimed yet as private land - and harvested some cherries for all of us for dessert.

While i helped mom to get the dry clothes from the dryers, my darling Master Thorin repaired the computer of my parents and copied pictures from their camera to the hard drive. Mom and i even talked about my life in SL while i helped her wash the dishes, and expressed her worries that i probably wouldn't go out often enough in RL.

And she told me that she thought i probably could be bi - and laughed when i just smirked.
"I supposed so", she said - and said she were glad i would only try this out in SL.
When i told her that SL is not a game with computer generated characters, but that there is a human being behind each avatar, her face darkened again, and said i should be careful to not hurt others in both worlds (the physical one and the virtual one) and to not get hurt either.

I guess my parents would even worry about me, their "little redhead", and pray for me when i am 100 and they 135 ;) But i appreciate it and know that's just love.

In the late evening Thorin and i walked a little through the almost enchanted looking forests aroung the village. Tomorrow or theday after that we will take another walk, and take Dad's camera with us.
This was one of those times that make me wish that SL were as real, and Mistress and Onyx could be with us. I miss both of T/them very much.

Family Trip. Day 2: Monday

or, a postponed night

After one hour of walking, we had a first break. All streets were empty and dark, and my Master saw my puppy eyes, so he gave me a kiss. But he also pulled a leash out of His backpack and connected it to my collar - and walked me for the next 4 blocks.

Oh what a great feeling!
I even crossed my wrists in my back as if i was bound, to fully immerse into it.
Gosh, i felt so great and proud and even wished to be seen like that, despite knowing that Master Thorin did this only because the streets were empty and dark.

And it immediately reminded me of the feeling i have when Mistress walks me and Onyx which made me cherish being walked by Her even more.

Short before we arrived on one of the main streets though, this short trip into dream-world was over. On Main Station we spent the night in a lounge there, having coffee and chatting away, then we bought some rolls and went with one of the first trains to K**. Arrived there, we walked the two miles to my parents home in R*** and woke them up - only to get to bed after having breakfast with them :)

Finally my parents woke us up for supper, then enjoying a bath in the bath tub (at home we have only a shower but not a bathtub), then we talked much unto deep in the night to catch up with everythingin each others' lives. Finally we called it a day and went to bed when my parents did.

Family Trip. Day 1: Sunday

...or, a non-arrival

As i mentioned, i couldn't sleep well - so i logged into and wrote my journal blog, only discontinued by packing our baggage or by preparing O/our meal.
Anyways, when Master Thorin said it's time, i messaged my Mistress to say Good-bye again and to send greetings to Onyx as well.

We went to the election, voted for the party of our choice, then went to the tramway to catch our train.

Unfortunately the building works in our home town delayed the arrival of the tramway at the Main Station, so we didn't catch the train we wanted to catch, and Master Thorin had to re-plan everything and called my parents that we would arrive later: instead of 22:00 at the close town K** (just 2 miles away from R***, where they live) we now would arrive at 22:40 at the main station of the much bigger town Halle, 18 miles away..

They agreed that we would be picked up at a Park&Ride place on a suburb of Halle, and we only had to go there by tramway (including changing tramways at the market place)
Well... the travel was quite event-less, as boring as a travel with 5x changing trains can be. Okay we had a few nice talks with other travellers - and one time we had to run to catch the next train - but in general it was quite eventless...
... until we arrived in Halle.

We just went off the train when my cell-phone rang: my Dad told me that he didn't feel well enough to drive and asked a neighbor to go pick us up. Well, since this didn't seem to be a problem we went to this suburb.

When we arrived in that suburb near midnight, there was no car on the parking lot at the tramway station except a few which had the letters of Halle on their licence plates.
So my fiancee and Master called my parents to ask what happened. After 20 minutes they called back: the neighbor who had agreed to drive to Halle to pick us up got involved in an accident and had to wait for the police to arrive.
Sometimes things really get tough :(

So my Beloved decided that we would return to the Main Station to spend the night there.
But on top of it all, the tramway schedule read that no train would depart until 4:50. Hence, we had to walk.

Both we have spent years in this town, so we knew the shortest way to get to the Main Station, to go there almost as straight as the crow flies.

Jun 7, 2009

a break from SL :(

At the moment Master Thorin and i prepare for leaving: right after voting at the elections for the European "Parliament", W/we will go to the train station to travel to my parents :(

Though I am glad to see my parents again after almost half a year, I also will terribly miss my Mistress and my new sister Onyx.

Nawty And Nice

or: also slaves can have fun

Last night was such a roller-coaster night for me again. I logged into SL, greeted Mistress and went to my post to Sir Tolya's House. We are there to greet His guests should i have forgotten to mention it.
Well, i just showed Misty the ground floor when i saw on the minimap 2 guests. We went out of thel Library where we've been at that moment and greeted them, then they went upstairs to one of the bedrooms to have their fun.
While i didn't dare to disturb their privacy, Misty suggested i could show her the upper floor and explain everything in IM, so i agreed, and did so.
BAck downstairs, we talked again a little bit, then she said something like: "I wonder what they do there upstairs" - I replied "You don't want to kow" - but we did let our fantasy play *giggles*

Suddenly we got a tp invite from Mistress: She took us to Master Vincent's home ...

... where the four of U/us then played "Naughty Or Nice". In this game one asks the next "Naughty or nice?" and then comes up with a question along the reply - so a naughty question if the reply is "naughty" or a nice one if the reply is "nice"

After some rounds, Mistress asked me: "if you were alone on an island, and hornier than hell, and the only things around you were a coconut and a stick, what would you use and how?"
I didn't know what to imagine and i felt uneasy enough with this entire topic, because even the "nice" questions were about sex, so i replied: "i would use the coconut to hit myself unconcious to prevent me from using this stick as a dildo."

even I cracked up into laughter infront of the monitor. Well after that i did't feel that uneasy anymore - still a bit but it was okay.

After it was time for Master Vincent to log off, Mistress got some IMs that pissed Her off. She sent us home to Temptations, and came a few minutes later, fuming. Someone used His rights to see me on the map to track Her, and claimed then that He wanted to talk to me.. Just strange that i did not even get an IM of Him...

Anyway, She calmed down, and then had a girl to girl time with us.
It was funny - as the girl to girl times always have been funny when She and i were alone. it's a good way to talk and to know each other, Roleplayers would say, it's OOC time: "out of character".
Well, using the RLV - and being a sub in Real Life, i hardly can leave my character of being Her slave - but its way more relaxed than at normal times. It's the time when we are just girl friends.
we talked about problems and about funny things, about likes and dislikes - just like girl friends who don't live D/s.

And then, short before She had to leave to work at Her dancer job, She gave misty her slave-name. As i am gem, she is now onyx.

And isn't an onyx a nice jewel?

limit girl, or: How gem was born

I couldn't sleep well tonight, so i woke up after .. uhm, less than 4 hours.

Well ...

But i did dream of the time how i began, so i looked into my notes and found a situation written after my memory. It may not be complete (means i may have forgotten details), but you will get the point.

  • Master Rustie (following: R)
  • my Mistress (following: M)
  • myself (following: i)
It was late after midnight (okay, after sunrise already), on 6th of May '08. I was drunken and bored, so i logged into SL. After some exploring, i found a club where a party was happening.
Of course i attended, invited or not.
The music was nice, it had something of a Goth/medieval ambience - including the outfits of the guests.

Several people i saw had something with SAH in their group tag, so i asked the next person near me, who happened to be a man:

i: So what does SAH mean, Rustie?
R: (bored) look in my profile
i: (surprised) Slave Auction House? And that Master means...
i: ... that you buy, own, and sell slaves?
R: yes it does *smirks*
i: so .. what does a slave have to do, "Master" rustie?
R: *raises an eyebrow* Without " "! It's either Master rustie for my girls or Sir, or rustie if you are equal to me.
i: Hm... okay....
i: sorry if i offended you
R: still interested in finding out what a slave has to do?
i: Uhm... sure
R: then: KNEEL!
i: yes Sir (kneels awkwardly, just hitting the picture-down button, still can't explain why i did so)
R: smiles - well that is interesting
R: can't you properly kneel?
i: no Sir i cant... dont know how to do it
R: you'll learn it... whats your limits, girl?
i: limits, Sir?
R: things you will deny to do no matter what...
i: forced sex, violence, such things, Sir
R: very limited, huh? Hm ... *thinks*
R: follow me

i followed this strange man through the club, until we stopped at a woman. Her group tag read: SAH Mistress - and her name: Lexi Leiner

R: Lexi, i have a gift for you.
M: a gift? Nice! What is it? Where is it?
R: here beside me. (turns to me) Did I say stand up, limit girl?
i: no Sir
R: Then why do you stand? (i "kneel", rolling my eyes in RL: how else should i walk?)
M: limit girl? *wonders*
R: it needs training but has limits
M: lol. be honest how much did you have to pay for her?
R: nothing. she came to Me and asked Me
M: lol. she didn't, did she?
R: yep. (turns to me) girl, tell Mistress Lexi how it was
i: yes Sir. Mistress, I asked Sir to teach me what it means to be a slave on SL.


Well, She accepted this gift which was i, and began to teach me.

I thought it was just a strange role-play game - but it was more... so very much more.

It was my entry into the lifestyle i live now, a step i never ever regretted.

I cannot thank Master Rustie enough for having given me to my Mistress as a gift - and i cannot thank my Mistress enough for having accepted me as Her slave. Mistress, i love you so much.

(click to see it big)

Jun 6, 2009

"Full Immersion is a bitch"

or, how i almost lost my new sister.

Well, as i wrote yesterday, each girl needs her own treatment, what is right for one can be wrong for the other one. Misty showed so much potential that Mistress thought that Full Immersion, i.e. tossing her right into the water to teach her swimming, would be the right method to teach her.

Well no-one, not even Mistress is all-knowing, and what She didn't know was that misty is not really stress-resistant: when the stress gets too big, and she doesn' t know whats happening, she begins to panic.
And this happened at a place full of other Doms and slaves.
A technical glitch (maybe lag, maybe just SL playing games) prevented misty from kneeling beside Mistress and of course she got scolded. But instead of saying, "please excuse me, Mistress, i don't know what is going on, please can i relog?" she began to defend herself - which made a Dom's look at the situation change from "poor girl suffering SL glitches" to "disobediant girl seeking excuses", and of course started to anger Mistress.
So, I was sent home and had to tp misty there. Here i tried to talk to misty but she was on a roll, which is understandable after a certain time spent in SL, full of lessons to learn and stuff. She was tired, stressed-out, and felt treated unjust.
Well i could relate but i also felt responsible: Both we are slaves of Mistress and when one of us does wrong, it's not "misty" or "gem" - it's "one of Lexi's girls" wo does the mistake.
I'm sorry but i did not work that hard for that long time to learn to be the best slave i can be, only to be now judged for my sisters mistakes by generalization.
I like misty, she's fun to be around, chatty and intelligent, polite and easy to be friend with, and i'm sure i can learn as much from her as she can learn from me - and i do know that its not easy to learn to be a slave - but i think it was her own fault to become so stressed out. She is the person who MUST say "please slower down a bit", or "i need a break", or "here is a border i do not want to cross now". When she doesn't tell, how can Mistress know when the point of too much is reached? Mistress might be many things but She's not a clairvoyant. At least not usually. So i also talked to misty and tried to explain things and i was so disappointed when she was like that. The "poor me"-game doesn't match misty at all. It's soo not HER.

Gosh i really was afraid when Mistress came and told us to bide and talked to misty - and misty could not leave her roll of defending herself, as full of self-consciousness and the wish to do everything right as she was. When Mistress then said "Go, misty" and "gem you are dismissed to do as you please", i was so sad and afraid that it meant misty had to leave us, that i started to cry in RL, and more so when misty came to me to talk - and suddenly Mistress messaged me to tell misty, that she should go to Her if she wanted collar release. Collar Release - the word even i fear: to be released from the collar, to be disowned, abandoned.

Phew, nothing so evil happened.

Misty asked Mistress to keep her, to give her another chance. So she still is my sister - and after a long, long talk between us girls (through all the night, until sunrise) i know misty will not leave us deliberately, and will do her best to prevent herself from too much stress to avoid panicking again.

Misty, i love you too and i am happy for both reasons: that i have a sister again, and that this sister is you. you can't even imagine how much i would have missed you despite the short time we know each other.

Jun 5, 2009

A faster pace, trouble, and a break

Wow when i remember my first days in training at my Mistress, and when I see what Misty, my new "sister" is experiencing, it seems to be a much faster pace.

Well it is true: different girl different methods, but i was astonished that Misty so quickly accepted the rather uncomfortable position at the binding post, and the "bide" command as first thing in the lesson.

"Bide", by the way is: be in attention, no talking, no emoting, no IMs, "thank you Mistress" or "yes Mistress" etc. To be on bide is your very own imaginary gag on all channels. More than a gag, since you can let out muzzled noises through the gag. Of course, Mistress could enforce this on me using the RLV functions, making me totally mute except for IMs to Her, but where's the point if it doesn't come from my own obedience?
When i was a slave trainee, the first lessons given to my and the sister i had back then, Elli (aka Charm), were rather given in dialog form if i remember correctly. It seems, Mistress now lets me do the explaining and discussing with Misty, and only states things like She is giving a lecture. "Have you understood? Type a dot."

Gosh I really don't like to be on bide, to be not allowed to interact.

We, that means Misty and i, will greet people in Sir Tolya's house, either bound to some tool, or walking around, giving them a tour. We will still be the slaves of my Mistress but serve Her by greeting Her Master's guests as polite and respectful as we can. It's going to be a being shown off: Her girls will be the calling card for House of Ugajin, which is on Her sim. When i told Master Thorin about it He said He might ask my Mistress too to show us off at any event He might give in SL.

I remember the first time when She taught me (and Elli) manners: right after that She went with us to a neighbor parcel and expected us to greet one of Her friends accordingly - and it WAS a difference between "hi X, nice to meet you" and "Greetings, Miss X. This girl wishes you a good afternoon. This girl wishes to add that she feels honored to meet you, Miss X." Phew.
Of course this "this girl" is not a MUST - though it was back then, to show us our place.
Well I know that my Mistress accepts when i talk in first person about me since she sees that it comes from my (RL person) heart, but she also finds it nice when i use "your gem" and third person instead, since it means that i show Her that i know my place. But i disgress.

Anyway, when She was finished with Her lesson, and wanted us to stand up (it was very late, about 3am my time and 2am Misty's time, and She wanted to say us good night) I wasn't able to obey.
No "Stand Up" button there. Well the bad RLV didn't allow it. And when Mistress just deleted the post i was bound to, thr RLV sent Her a "busy mode" message when She tried to tp me elsewhere. I still was bound to the post according to the RLV. And when i went to the adjoining beach on the neighbor sim and tried to tp back it didn't work either. Well... the worse thing happened when i went back and suddenly found myself underneath the entry stairs of the House of Ugajin: I couldn't tp up, and Mistress coulnd't tp me to Her: I had to cheat and re-log with the regular viewer to get out of there, with Her permission of course. When i log in again today (with the RLV of course) i will see if i still am "bound" or if i am able to tp now.

Well, the shop She wanted to go ended up as being not existing anymore (nothing changes as fast as landmarks in SL) so She started again with designing "Ugajin's Dance Place" which is the parcel beside the House of Ugajin. I offered Her to try out an idea of mine, She allowed and when She went offline (RL company), i went and started to build on the empty parcel in the south west corner of the sim.
... then Sir Tolya came and saw me there and ... woo was He angry when He saw me build on something He asked His girl, my Mistress, to design it. Well i told Him that what i tried to build was unsaked for and that my Mistress only knew i would try out an idea - but somehow He did not believe it.

Mentioning RL... today i had a phone call: my fiancee and i are more or less expected for a one week visit at my parents from Sunday on :(
At least my fiancee said we would travel earliest on Sunday because of the elections here.
** sigh **
One week without SL, one week without my Mistress and my new sister :(

Jun 4, 2009

"Jona"/ "Involuntary Females"

As i mentioned in my post "Who is gem?", I'm currently working on entirely re-writing my story "Involuntary Females", and simply gave it the working title "Jona" after it's main character.

What is this story about?
Well the disclaimer at hints it already:
"This is a story about body transformation into other shapes, including gender. It contains scenes of bondage and other things which are not suitable for minors. This entire series is a work of pure fiction, although inspired by a lot of other stories written by talented authors. All institutions, people and situations are fictitious, and any similarity to real institutions, people and situations is purely coincidental."
But this is only a hint. Who actually IS Jona?
Jona was born a boy in Kansas, and had a twin sister. As children the twins had fun to cross-dress to make everyone else confusing each twin with the other one ... until a bad incident happened while they were being in each other's identity.
Since then the former boy John is forced to live the life of his sister Joanna, and even got a new name by his adoptive mother: Jona. That he was transformed by a skinsuit, making him appear as a real girl, of course doesn't help to regain his male identity.
Now this story is about Jona and her friends, her life as teen and as adult, and her adventures during her and her friends' fight against a system that allows disconsensual slavery and exploitation of women in a reality where such skinsuits are used and misused regularly for both, temporary and permanent transformations.

To use skinsuits (or bodysuits) as transformation tools is an inspiration i got after i read the works of Mark McDonald - a great writer, by the way.
And his idea with the skinsuits really hit me the very right moment when i was struggling to make my story work: but then, *ha!*, there it was: the ultimate recipe to explain all temporary and permanent transformations in my story without using magic.

Why English?

Some of you may ask: Why the heck does this girl write in English if she states to come from Germany?
Well, yes I do come from Germany, and German is my first language - and maybe some of my next blogs even may be written in German (don't know yet).
But, since half of my friends do speak English as first language, and most of the other half of my friends at least understand English as a second or third language, I use this as a possibility to better focus on what I want to say.
How often does it happen that you use slangwords and undescribable abbreviations in a journal when you write it in your first language, or that you use "short message style"? Since I want to avoid this, I am writing this blog in my second language.
Sometimes English blogs are like in short message style or in a kind of Pidgin-English (this fits for German blogs too, in similar ways): then it looks like Lolcats: "y r u doing tis?"

By the way, i wrote my first story in English. Actually i am re-writing it after i saw the necessity to edit and re-write it while i translated it into German. :)

Oh and why do i use the lower-case "i" instead of upper-case "I" when speaking about myself? Well ... maybe you figure this out while reading my blog entries ;)

A wonderful Day

Have i mentioned before that my Mistress is a "switch"?
Hm... Please forgive me, i forgot...
Well, for explanation: a switch is someone who needs to be both: dominant and submissive. And as much as my Mistress enjoys being a Mistress, she enjoys to serve as a slave. And She likes the thrill of being "sold" at an auction.
By such an event She has found a new Master for a week now - by contract this means 20 hrs plus what she is willing to add.

Short after i logged in and greeted Her, She tp'd me to His place. Master Vincent is a nice and experienced dominant man who i quickly felt comfortable with, so i didn't bother when He started teasing Mistress sexually and asked me questions i would have blushed like a tomato if someone else had asked them.
Suddenly i was told to also start teasing Mistress and to undress, and since Mistress said it were up to me to follow or to say stop, i decided to obey. When did i ever have the chance to tease my Mistress before? Even sexually? *grins mischievously*

Wow it WENT far.
Short time after we began, Master Vincent excused Himself and vanished, leaving us alone. With time, it went so far, i would have orgasmed in RL if Master Thorin (my RL fiancee) hadn't come home from His training hours just in the very minute before i could.
**phew - do you know the feeling when you are just on the edge to total bliss, and you get disturbed? An ice-cold shower is nothing compared to it (though needed immediately)**
And *wow* the REAL high you only get being with another girl - men are never able to drive you this high: women just know a female body too well *blush*

I really don't know if Master Thorin would like the idea of his RL girl being sexual with another girl, especially with my Mistress. But He never scolded me for things that i did to please my Mistress -- shouldn't a good slave do anything to please her Mistress? *grin*

Anyways ...
Short time after Mistress and i went home to Temptations, Misty, a former resident there, submitted to my Mistress. Misty has told me for days how she envied me for my life as a slave, so ...
as soon as my Mistress had time (being a sim-owner and having a RL job on the phone does interrupt sometimes) She talked with her, then send me to get her a collar, and accepted her as Her new slave. Wow ..
Yes i am excited. YAY!! Now i have a sister again!
Now i am first girl and will have to help Mistress teach this new girl :) I'm so looking forward to it!

Jun 3, 2009

a few thoughts about being a slave

I consider myself a slave, slave of Mistress Lexi Leiner , Her property. A slave with privileges though, but nonetheless a slave.

You might now ask: What? A slave? Isn't slavery illegal?

And yes, besides the BDSM context of Safe, Sane, Consensual, slavery is illegal almost everywhere. In some few countries even despite of it.
BDSM means: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, SadoMasochism - and is for some not only a game but a life-style. But nonetheless everything happening in this context is CONSENSUAL - well, at least it's supposed to be, per definition.

Unlike the historical slavery, being a slave in M/s (Master/slave, the intensification of D/s (Dominant/submissive)) relationships have nothing to do with forced obediance, or disconsent. It is a sign of TRUST and LOVE to the Master or Mistress to decide not to be their part-time sub anymore but their 24/7 slave, and means a high degree of COMMITMENT on both sides. It's not only that you as a slave are supposed to be available to serve on every whim of your Master or Mistress, it is also that your Master or Mistress has to be available to serve your need to serve them, and not all of them can handle this RESPONSIBILITY.
And yes, you become property, like a pet - only that you are a human being. And which owner would abandon their pet? Only people who can't handle this responsibility.
To become a slave is a decision of free will, which must be considered thoroughly before going the way. It can become a slippery slope with no return to the former normalcy of being an "emancipated woman" - and without responsible guiding it even might become a mental and emotional dependence, a bondage that binds you more effectively to your Master/Mistress than any chain and restraint can do.

I must say my Mistress is very caring and shows very much responsibility - and until now She doesn't even know about this blog, so it's my real, unaffected opinion ;)
Well, as much as She dislikes to be without me, Her gem, as much She wishes to prevent Her gem from any damage, be it emotionally or otherwise - even from damage She might cause by irresponsible behaviour. We quite often do "girl-to-girl talks" or other "Out of Character" (OOC) things that She can relax from this responsibility for a while.
I try to serve her any way i'm able to, be it running errands, be it listening, be it things like moving stuff around or making textures for boxes, or just sitting there to be shown off... whatever pleases Her, i do. And willingly so.
And when She's not around i try to please Her, to make Her proud of me. **smiles: here's the "good dog" comparison again** (edited to repair the link)

Anyways, since i'm wearing Her collar (means, the collar She gave me, and to which i added Her as Owner), the most content moments during times i did not spend with Her were when other Doms said to me things like "you may tell your Mistress you made her proud" or "if you weren't already owned i would be happy to own you"...

What does it mean to be a slave apart of the status of being property?
Well, it begins with the training. As a trainee sub, i didn't have a collar: i had to use a folder with poses and animations to be able to kneel, to karta, to sit in tower or stand in shacklestand. Poses and animations that sometimes were affected by the AO i was wearing, so i had to switch the AO off while using them - so using each of the poses became a deliberate decision in favor of serving.
Thus, serving as a slave means OBEDIANCE and COMMITMENT to your Master or Mistress: the wish to please them, even despite having no collar that does the poses for you. And since They are in control of your collar, you should be able to 100% TRUST your Master or Mistress. If you can't, leave and search for someone else to surrender yourself to, someone you can trust enough. D/s (and M/s) is not abuse or exploiting, it's a special way of LOVE and DEVOTION.

Then, POLITENESS and RESPECT: As a slave, i am property, so i have to be HUMBLE: a "hi missy, howyadoing" is just wrong.
All non-slaves are Mister and Miss (beginning with upper case M as a sign of respect), or Sir/Master or Miss if they are in the lifestyle.
And especially your Master or Mistress is not just the person in the pub next street, but your Owner, which means much more than your Boss at work, since your boss doesn't own you.
Would you greet your Boss with "Hi, howdy buddy?" - I guess not.

I can say "hi" to my friends when i am dismissed and spend my spare-time, or on PG sims to mix and match - and even with this "OOC talk" it's possible to remain respectful and polite - but when i stroll around on sims that belong to the Life-style, or when i meet people who are into BDSM, i quickly switch into my "IC talk" again, and it's Mister/Sir and Miss until they tell me they don't wish to be greeted this way.
The following is another proof for the way that being a slave means to be always polite and respectful:
[2008/06/06 7:19] jake D**: I am interested in your manner, so polite
[2008/06/06 7:19] eighthdwarf Checchinato: thank you, Mister jake... I'm trying to learn and keep it up.
[2008/06/06 7:20] jake D**: have you found your way into a Dom/sub relationship? I ask as that is very typical in that area.

This happened short before my Mistress decided that i was finished with training, and collared me.
What else does it mean to be a slave: Well, it's not your part to put yourself into attention, but the part of your Mistress or Master - if they wish you to be the center of attention, they will place you there; if they don't, you have to wait until you are called. I got a few times of "kennel time" to learn that lesson well. Don't be over-eager, rather keep PATIENCE and wait for being called. Otherwise you get enough time to wait for being allowed to be in the presence of your Master or Mistress - because this also is a privilege they give you.

Speaking of privileges: since i installed the RLV, i can call everything exept the ability to log off and on a privilege my Mistress allows me to have and easily could take away. I am under Her total control, every single moment i spend in SL. The RL expression for it is TPE, Total Power Exchange: i gave my Mistress total power over me, she can take all abilities away from me if she likes, even the ability to chat or receive messages, or see names and locations, to see at all, to hear, to tp or to access my inventory - to name only a few.
And my Mistress doesn't have to proof anymore that i can trust Her, i wouldn't have installed this viewer after long consideration if i hadn't trusted Her back then.

By the way, in a few days i've been in Her service for 13 months. And guess what? I never regretted even one day that i submitted to Her.
Yes, i really love my Mistress.

Jun 2, 2009

Searching for an Income

Well, as long as the items i build (see yesterdays post) don't sell yet inspite of my ads in the forums, and as long as i don't have other incomes in SL, 2000L$ per week for the Land my RL partner Thorin and i are owning is a bit much. Okay it's only 6 Euro - but 6/7x30 = 26 Euro on a stick ... hence i need an income. I'm not a top builder, i can't do scripts or gestures as well - and i don't use voice - so all is left is either waiting for the shop to run, or working as model or dancer.
I visited several stores and clubs tonight ... no models needed, no greeters/receptionists needed, no salespersons needed (well, Bots are much more reliable). So all i got by now is a landmark, a suggestion, and two application notecards... I'm still torn whether or not i should start stripping :(

Jun 1, 2009

Who is gem?

First name: eighthdwarf (with a lower e as initial)

Second name: Checchinato

Nicknames: eight, 8, gem

day of birth in SL: 2008-02-07

day of birth in RL: 1973-02-17

race of the avatar: human, "caucasian"

gender: female

size in SL (without shoes): 5'3" (1,60m)

Well, in Real Life, my name is not eighthdwarf, and also neither Checchinato nor gem - but since i put so much of my RL personality into my SL personality, there is no reason to know my real name...
But anyway: in Real Life i am a smoker , a coffein junkie, and i like to have a glass of beer or wine every once in a while. Like in SL i like to meet friends - and talk and write in both languages, German and English likewise. Actually i write a lot: at the time being, i re-write a story of mine with the working title "Involuntary Females". I think I will just title it after it's main character "Jona".

Like in SL, i am submissive in RL as well. In RL, i am the sub of my partner, who is known in SL as Thorin Mantel. :) but this is not about RL, only as much as my RL influences SL and vice versa.
Anyways, in SL i am the slave of a Mistress: Lexi Leiner, a very loving and caring woman who earns her money via telephone. I submitted to her on 2008-05-07 and proudly wear Her collar. After 6 months under Her loving rule, i gave Her the gift of total power over me: i installed the RLV. This makes all the normal abilities in SL (like sit/unsit, chat, IM, see, hear, fly, walk, build etc - even access to the own inventory), a privilege my Mistress allows me to use and can always take away from me.

In SL i help people in a CG (Community Gateway, aka Newbie Area), spend time with my Mistress or with friends, dance, and build things that i try to sell under my own label "gem's". Things like these:


my first blog - and a first pic here :)