Unfree, no matter what

In the blog Unfrei, which is written by a really devoted Gorean Kajira roleplayer, I just read a quotation that made me smile.

Can you truly give up the things you need to, to be someone's slave? Would you put yourself last, or even second? If you want something, and you are denied it… can you let it go and trust that it was for the best? Can you learn, relearn, and train even when you feel like it's hopeless? Will you still be a slave, and think of others when your mood sucks? Will you still be a slave even as tears course down your cheeks while you are punished or reprimanded? Will you still feel like being a slave when you are told he doesn't want to have you near him right now? Will you still feel like a slave if he does not touch you when you wish, but when he wishes…. Will you still want to be a slave as you toss and turn at night, your desires unmet because he said no? Will you still want to be a Gorean slave when he decides to give someone else the attention you think you deserve or that you crave?

I realized that I can  answer these questions (even though i would have to replace Master with Mistress, he with she, and discard the word Gorean), all these questions happily with  YES, YES, YES!!!
Since May 08, I've already shown that I am the slave of my Mistress no matter what, and willingly so, andt I will show anytime again that I can do it, that I not only can be, but already and for ever am, for better or worse, my Mistress' slave. - until She decides to disown me.

One last question...
How romantic does slavery sound now?

It doesn't sound romantic at all, that's true. But for me, it feels just right!


Merry Christmas my dear Mistress, and my dear few readers.

Phoenix Viewer Blog: 1.5.2.818 Final Major Release!

Phoenix Viewer Blog: 1.5.2.818 Final Major Release!: "It's finally here! As promised.. a Christmas Release! Our final major release version 818. \o/ A few things to note... We are no longer pr..."

a poll and a hunt

Ten days ago I posted in a forum that only a minority would use the viewer 2.x One user asked for proof, like posts and polls and so on. I searched and found only polls from before "Emeraldgate", before the Emerald viewer was forbidden by reason.
The successors Emergence and Phoenix, viewers made by the honest remnants of the former Emerald team, have been unknown at the point of these older polls and surveys. SO I made my own one which closed two days ago .

The result - despite the poll hasn't got as many responders as I hoped - was what I expected. A little over 1/3 of the participants are using Viewer 2, just under 2/3 are using another viewer (viewer 1-based, or "Hybrid" viewers = viewer 1- based, with functions of viewer 2 but the UI of viewer 1.x), and the Phoenix Viewer is the most used one.

A hunt - or rather the SLinside Adventkalender - is happening on my new place today.
"Gem's and Gorkie's Shop Ship" is the place where the visitors can find a little gift until midnight (and maybe until tomorrow morning).

 

Here's a view inside, from in front of my vendor

My friend Gorkie and I did everything to let winter appear on the place for this one day.

Reviving the blog (?)

Yes I did neglect this blog, and I was too busy elsewhere.

Actually I am busy writing and drawing, means as long as I am not suffering a creativity block.
I finished "Mirror Visions, Volume 1", which is effectively the same character names and places as in "Involuntary Females", but within an entirely re-written story plot, changed to match a teenage and young adult audience.
I uploaded the prologue and the first chapter as excerpts to my deviantArt account.

In October, I was at the Frankfurt Book Fair, with the help of a friend of mine (you usually only can enter this fair if you are either a published author, an illustrator, or working at a publishers already). And I gave about a dozen of excerpts to about a dozen publishers - including big publishing companies, Random House included. Maybe I'm lucky.
There was though one company that had a similar name to one of the list of publishers I wanted to visit… I later learned that this one was a vanity publisher. At the end of last month I got an offer by them: if I pay between 4.600 and 10.400 Euro (depending on the publishing model) they will publish my book.
Hm. I think I'll never have this amount of money - and if i had, I'd pay other depts with it rather than having my story printed. :P

***

In SL, many things have changed, and many things stayed the same…
EmeraldGate went through all blogs and forums, so I won't mention it any further here - BUT: I lost good friends because of it, people who I thought were less… hm… irresponsible? Anyway
Precious isn't anymore with me, she's not my slave anymore. I learned that I totally failed at being a Mistress. I may be good at being First Girl (that has to be decided by my Mistress though) but as a Mistress on my own, I'm on the wrong place. Nonetheless, Misty admitted that she had learned much - and she will always remain my dear precious sister.
Both of us made mistakes when she was my girl, which led to our breaking up - but we buried our grudges and forgave each other. We once shared one chain, after all. :)

I still am the slave of my Mistress, Jona's Isle, my piece of land, is now on one of Her sims - and W/we enjoy the rare time W/we can spend together. rare because different time zones and our real lives that we also have to pay our tributes.
Alex, my Gorean Alt, is currently "on pilgrimage" - though mostly on limbo, because I simply have not the time to log-in as her as well. But WHEN I have the time, I visit the different towns in SL Gor, maybe finding another place for a Homestone.

Another alt is shaped a way neither fitiing to my Eighthdwarf nor to my Alex activities: she's handicapped, just like Jona in the former "Involuntary Females" story. Thus I met Gorkie, a one-legged person who is one-legged in RL too. Currently I help her by having built a ship at my island, where she could place her shop into. It was some work to build the trust into her that I won't throw her out, or count each prim she uses, like one "friend" of her did where she had her little shop before. She's a really nice person, and I don't want to miss her.
It's really marvelous to have a friend around who is not into D/s nor treating me as a slave or a Mistress. Actually Gorkie is as loving as my Mistress, just that she and i treat each other on an equal level.

Good bye old old Jona's Isle

Good bye old (though newer) Jona's Isle

Welcome new Gem's Island

a little summary, and musings about privacy, ponyplay, Gor and Alts

I'd love to give a summary of what happened between my Mistress and i, what happened with "miss", what led to precious throw in and submit to me... And I know those who know me would love to know these reasons too. But ...
But as I have been in trouble because I talked too much once, I have promised to not mention anything about my Mistress' RL even if that's the only way to explain things happening in SL, nor anything that can (read by the wrong people) cause Her harm and drama. I think there's enough drama in RL, and we don't need that in SL as well.

Anyways, I'm still the slave of my Mistress even though we're not together anymore on a daily base in SL, we still share secrets with each other, and to see Her Dominant friends wiggle around me, Her girl, trying to get even a little information about Her is just funny. Gosh I love to act as Her "Vorzimmerdrachen": the receptionist who makes clear that her boss gets as much privacy as possible, the secretary who only lets people pass who are invited by her boss on a whim.

And precious and I get along well, though I more and more realize that I am not made to be a Domme.. I do teach her and I do lead her, but we're OOC about half of the time, and as a Mistress I should be much less lenient than I am.
Precious told me in her "Limits and Wishes" notecard that she liked to see what it is to be a pony girl. Since I have no clue about that topic myself, I made sure she applied at the training center at the Frilly Filly Farm. Well even though I am taken aback a bit, thinking of my girl to be trained by someone else in general - and as a pony girl in special, I think it may be a good experience for her and will lead to a better understanding about what obedience means to a slave. And there's the saying after all: Be careful what you wish for - it may come true.

As mentioned before, I live now on my precious' land, as a subtenant so to speak. It's called Jona's Isle, named after the character Jona from my story. It's an island on 1/4 homestead sim, and I used up almost all 936 prims there - for two houses, a tent, some trees and 2 ships and a drawbridge towards the 1/4 sim which is our normal home: Labyrinth, the home of precious. Jona's Isle looks a bit like a Gorean smugglers nest, and that is intentionally. I do hope that it is visited by some Gorean friends as an outlet for roleplay, or to relax in a environment looking a bit like their home.
Though I do love the other part too, the quarter where my precious has built her home, I do have the ambition to make this island look perfect. When I am with my precious, we use the entire half of the sim - though the main villa on Labyrinth tends to be deserted most of the time. So many plans and so little time to make new friends and invite them over :D

Why did I make Jona's Island look Gor-like, and why do I have so many Gorean friends since I talked about BDSM only? well, I do have an Alt (alternative account) role-playing in SL-Gor. She's a Scribe - which is one of the highest castes (a kind of guild) on Gor, the caste of scholars and scientists, accountants and clerks. And with this Alt I have a lot of friends both in the town I play in (her Home Stone) and elsewhere in SL-Gor. And I must say even though I would not wish for Gorean conditions here on Earth, I like this roleplay, and it is challenging. And the roleplay did actually improve my writing as much as the critiques in the writing forums.
And, between pentecost and a few weeks ago, I had a break from roleplay. Even though I had managed it then to have time for working at the newbie area, for role-playing, and for serving my Mistress, I needed a break from roleplay, so my Alt was pausing, I was in SL only with this my main account. But I started to miss the RP, so this month I decided to let my Gorean character return to her Home Stone - with a background story: my character spent the time on Jona's Island, using a false identity as a merchant's Free Companion.

My Mistress knows my Alt, just like I know the Alts of all my closest friends - and it was a strange feeling to talk to my Mistress on an equal base, though we made it like our girl-to-girl talks - but it became even stranger and more challenging when she started to pretend to be a kajira when I was dressed as a Gorean Free Woman.
I admit, I don't really like to see my Mistress at my feet, somehow I can't differ OOC from IC then: She is my Mistress after all, no matter how both of us are dressed.
And I realized, no matter which avatar I use - if I am gem or my Alt, in my perception my Mistress will always be my Mistress. It's the human behind her avatar who I submitted to, not her avatar.

been a busy bee

It may seem that I haven't done anything at all, since my last post was a few months ago.
But I was busy in RL for a while, writing.
Here are the links to the PDF-files of the English and the German version of the script to the story "Involuntary Females", as far as it goes by now (38 scenes). Once I am finished, I'll re-work them into novel form.

Onyx is now with me, though I call her precious now. Unfortunately she couldn't go well with my Mistress, so she eventually threw her collar in - but she din't want to get out of the position of a slave and she trusted me very very much... and I love her to pieces, so I finally stopped resisting her submission to me, despite I feel more as a slave than a Dominant. But I must say it is a challenging experience to teach and to lead for a change. If I wouldn't serve my Mistress whenever I can, I didn't know where to get the power and inspiration from to teach and lead Precious.
Anyway, even though my Mistress doesn't like the fact that I act as a switch now, and especially doesn't like the fact that precious is now my girl, I still try to make Her proud by doing as She taught me, by taking Her as shiny example.

A third jewel - and a Lioness fights for Her pups

Our little family has grown bigger. Dream, who came into SL about 6 or 7 weeks ago, submitted to Mistress a few days ago. After the first time Dream met Mistress, Mistress asked us (onyx and me) to friend her, and to try explain her the M/s lifestyle.
Well we did begin to explain it to her, and Dream stated that she would like to be like us.
Then, a few days ago, Dream came to the place where we girls were kneeling before Mistress, more exactly: Mistress asked onyx to tp Dream to her. Without thinking i greeted her as "Miss Dream" (damn habits, calling everyone Miss or Sir), and short time later i gave her the tower animation that she could kneel before Mistress to submit to Her. After Mistress spoke to her and short before she was accepted by Her, Dream asked me to not call her miss anymore (yes, the word with lower case letters) - so Mistress asked her if she would dislike to be called miss. Dream answered yes, so Mistress decided that Dream's new slave name would be miss now, much to her dismay.
Actually i do hope that miss will be her name only temporary, that she will get a jewel name like the names of onyx or me, but it's up to Mistress whether or not She decides for one.
Onyx then was sent to go with her buy her our slave uniform, then all 4 of U/us went to the Open Collar place to get a collar and the AO for our new sister.

While waiting there, onyx tried to talk a bit to someone else's slave, but her Master waited with his complaint until W/we were outside the most crowded place, then addressed Mistress that She demanded Her to punish onyx for whispering to other Master's slaves without Their permission. Wow that was a wrong thing to demand. Mistress asked if onyx said anything wrong to his slave, and when he said no, just that onyx didn't ask him first, She got cross at him and said that we, Her girls, were free to talk to anyone unless being told to be silent at all, and that it was not up to him to scold Her girls publicly. Mistress defended onyx like a Lioness one of Her pups.

When we were back home again, all three jewels leashed to Mistress, i was surprised how very much miss absorbed her new position as a slave, how very fast she adapted to it. I do hope she keeps that pace, and stays with us. I have the feeling that - if she stays - she will be a very valuable asset in Mistress' little collection of jewels, as valuable as onyx.

withdrawal symptoms and other difficulties

Caffeine - Tolerance and Withdrawal

Oh my... why would i link a blog to a wiki about caffeine? And this in a blog about my Second Life and everything affecting it?

Well I used to drink a lot of coffee. Four to five 20oz mugs of coffee a day. And i mean strong coffee. Very strong coffee. The coffee i used to drink was in relation to espresso like your home-brewed coffee would be in relation to the colored water they serve in truck stops as "pay one, get as many free re-fills as you want".
I mentioned this towards onyx the other day, and she was very worried so she more or less talked me into trying cutting it down.
Well i did try.
And you won't believe it, i started to feel wornout quickly. Beside an inability to concentrate, drowsiness, a total weird sleep rhythm and just a slight but constant head ache i started bitching around more than during my PMS... :(

Just as i started getting used to "only" three cups a day again, i started having dreams of a little boy in my arms, and i became sick in the morning... yes, my fears turned out to be legitimate ... I'm pregnant, meanwhile it's the 7th week. *sigh*
Of course i talked to my doc, and he was cross at me for consuming so much caffeine (he even related it to medicine abuse) and told me to cut it down, and to cut down cigarettes as well... and only one glass of alcoholic beverage if at all and more vitamins yadda yadda ... and yes he's right *sigh*

But what has everything above to do with Second Life?
Well, first it affects the time i'm inworld, two it affects my inner strength, three it affects my work, and four it affects my service to my Mistress.

As written above, cutting down coffee and cigarettes does effect my ability to concentrate - which i need to be able to communicate in two languages until way past midnight, or to focus on doing things with programs like GIMP (for textures) and Qavimator (for poses and animations) after having written or translated texts for other people in Office, and after having posted in the forums i'm a member of, and/or having written some scenes of the new scripts version of "Involuntary Females" in Celtx -- not to mention the concentration the rest of my Real Life needs sometimes.

But why would I need to stay awake until way past midnight? Well, to spend as much time as possible with my Mistress of course. Since my Mistress is living in USA, there are 7 hours time difference between Her and me. So when it's noon for Her, it's 7pm for me. And since Her best time to go inworld is afternoon/evening Her time (because She has a RL to attend too) - think afternoon plus 7 hours and you get the point. Luckily i work from home so i have been able to go to bed with sunrise and sleep late and still get my work done without problems.

And here we come to point one: my time inworld. With a sleep-rhythm going all haywire, i can't rely on a certain time of going inworld anymore. Hence i become unreliable too. Sometimes my inworld time is from 7pm to 10pm, hardly seeing Mistress and onyx; sometimes it's between Midnight and 2 or 3am, seing onyx only half of the time; sometimes i need a nap after my RL work and wake up at 6am after a 14h sleep and thus miss both Mistress and onyx; sometimes it's the formerly usual time between 10pm and 2am. It has become chaotic.

Two, as a slave in an M/s relationship i feel to have a certain responsibility for Mistress, so when She needs to just relax from exhausting RL, i try to be calming and supportive and be not too pushy. And as First girl of Mistress i also do have a responsibility towards onyx, and i feel that i should not only be her bestest friend and sister but that i also should lead her when Mistress is not online in a way that would make my Mistress proud of both of us. Even Mistress said that it would be good for training as long as both onyx and i don't see me as a replacement for Her.
And here comes the problem with my inner strength: Going through this withdrawal, being irritatable and having concentration issues and being less reliable with inworld times, i currently tend to be more demanding than normal. At least i feel i am. With no creative ideas to give input, i feel i kind of force my Mistress to come up with ideas instead of just relaxing and deciding between humbly made suggestions. So instead of giving my Mistress strength i feel i'm drawing it from Her which is the last thing i ever wanted. I'm glad onyx is on my side to take this part and help both Mistress and me - which is not always easy for her. And my lack of input plus my difficulties in domming and leading, gives onyx a really hard time at the moment. I sometimes wonder that both Mistress and onyx still love me as much as they do.

Three, my work: yes, this also affects my work - because i need more time to do the same amount of work than before in RL, and i just don't feel like doing any work in SL at the moment. i haven't done any service in a Welcome Area since FFH Land was killed, and i haven't built anything inworld since i tried cutting down the coffee usage the first time. Okay, i did make two poses (which were far from perfect) and i made a few textures, but ... somehow the interest to do anything creative has decreased - even the interest in working on my story (though it is waiting to be finished as if it had a dead-line).

And last but not least, when i'm that irritatable and lacking of concentration and creativity, i'm becoming less useful as a slave in a lifestyle that depends on communication and mutual inspiration. I love my Mistress and am as supportive and calming as i can, but at the moment i'm not much of use: Obeying commands as good as i can is all i can do at the moment. Plus that i'm feeling less able to help onyx to become the perfect slave she wants to be, and my irregular inworld time makes it difficult to serve my Mistress and my sister as good as i should. In my current state, i'm far from being a perfect slave. :(

Mistress, if You read this: i do love you, and i still try to be the best slave i can be - and even though i have difficulties and issues at the moment, i will do my best to serve and support You, as i always did.

Good bye FFH Land

The region FFH Land, formerly been the heart of virtual Frankfurt, and home of a Community Gateway - the home of so many people and the place where i worked and where met 95% of my German speaking friends, has died. It does not exist anymore.
At least it doesnt anymore in the databases of SL. But in my heart and in the heart of many others it will remain.




R.I.P. FFH Land

Living in the Past?

I pondered about the Zen comic in my last post - the panel where Sensei Tsuru says:

"I left that young woman at the river, why do you still carry her?"

I admit it IS difficult to not think of things that happened in the past when i am confronted with all the things reminding me of them ...
And i also know it would be easier to just look forward and say "this or that chapter is CLOSED, i will not open it anymore"...
But wouldn't it be too ignorant as well? I don't know though i'm trying.

"To live completely in the moment" - what a difficult way of life!

Catching Up

I know i havent taken care of this my blog for way too long...
I'm really sorry about that. But like my Mistress uses to say: RL comes always first.

So, this post will become somewhat long today.

Yes, I'm still with my Mistress. She seemed to have forgiven me, and her friend Sir T. who i also did hurt with my talking to d* (even made his situation in RL worse than it was before) seems to have forgiven me.

So i could be happy about that fact and close that chapter like they did, if ... well if I myself wouldnt be so slow at forgiving me. :(


I talked with Master Thorin, and He managed to calm me down, and He sent me a link to a picture and told me to place it here when i told him that i wanted to write about my thoughts in that matter.

I don't know if it really fits in here but as He asked me so nicely ...

Hm... Well ... Zen stuff *shrug* I never understood that part.



* * *


Speaking of closing a chapter: The Community Gateway in FFH Land, formerly belonging to the virtual town of Frankfurt, has closed, and the sim will disappear soon.

I liked working there, helping newbies in a town that resembled the big city close to where i live in RL. It had a feeling of being near home.



Sadly, this CG has closed there forever - and it's even sadder that it wasn't even for financial reasons: there would have been sponsors for it. No, it was personal reasons why the CG was dumped.

Now, that the place has been junked with memorables and pictures, it doesnt look even a bit homely anymore - as i had to see when i was there with my sister Onyx.



By the way, the letters DID on the entry place don't mean the past tense of DO, but are the abbreviation of "Deutscher Info-Dienst", German Info Service.


*sigh*


Seeing how the place has changed, and knowing that it is only a memorial now, no place for incoming newbies anymore, made (and still makes) me sad.


So, to a more homelier place:

"Thorin's Land", the land Master Thorin and i own on Temptations, the sim of my Mistress.


I finally finished the chapel for Onyx, even though i had to buy clocks and a bell and the benches for it. But the money Onyx gave me for it was more than enough to to buy them and still have a win.

Here it is in it's final form:



Yes i know it rather looks like a church than a chapel :D but Onyx liked it, and that was important.


And, Master Thorin bought a house (actually had it custom-built) as a new home for us.
Since this one has a basement, it had to be placed on a hill - so a lot of new landscaping had to be made which led to new ideas (and a bit of time to spend with working to realize them).









Home warming party will be soon, i already work on an invitation list and on the preparations for the party.





I love my Mistress, and i love my sister Onyx
Let's hope the powers that be let us all live happy on Temptations and in this new house.

Happy again

oh I'm so happy! Even despite i know that punishments await me, I'm happy: I am allowed to wear my Mistress' collar again, feel Her presence with me, Her care. Thank you very very much, Mistress!

The night before yesterday Onyx made me come online. I was so glad she made it to SL despite being not at home, and despite she has to pay for online time.
I showed her the church i built, and got tips how she would like it more. I hope she will like it once its finished.

After she logged off for the night (and i couldn't sleep despite i had a half bottle of wine) i invited my friend Mortal to show him/her (a RL man with a female avatar - but he always states that he is a male who just does "prefer to see a beautiful avi over a male one") the church and my little shop. He showed me some mistakes i made (flickering borders between prims, or not matching textures) but in general he was impressed, knowing that i began building much later than he did. I really appreciate his judgement, since he is a very talented and much-demanded builder.

Last night, Master Thorin logged in to speak with Mistress. Suddenly He asked me where i did get the money from to pay the fees for the land - and i said Misty lent it to me. He said okay, and then went forward with His thing on SL. I chewed on my nails watching Him from the kitchen, hoping He wouldn't intervene - i wanted my Mistress to decide on Her own, not by intervention by those who love me: I thought intervention would just make it worse and let Her decide to let me leave for good and never take me back.

After a while He logged off and just stated, "You will wait at least one hour after I left the house before you log in." Then he prepared for leaving to go to His nightshift job.
I was like "huh?" but I obeyed. I thought He might have a reason for having me wait. And when He checks the logs He will see anyway when i log in and off.

After a little more than one hour, i finally logged in. And short after i greeted my Mistress and began to write another message to beg her, i got a tp invite: Mistress invited me to House of V and said i should kneel at Her side, then She told me in IM to put the collar back on.

GOSH I cried of joy when i saw the message!

While i danced for Her per Her wish, She told me there will be hard punishment. I thanked Her even for that message. Yes there will be a punishment, and it will be deserved.
And maybe it even will be hard for Onyx to see me punished - but everything, any punishment my Mistress will choose in Her knowledge about me, will be much less hurting than being abandoned. Even if it reaches or even expands my limits.

Dear Mistress, i love you and thank you very much for having taken me back. And Onyx, i love you too and thank you for having comforted me so much.

an apology by off-line IM

Just as i was replying to an email by Onyx last night (btw, i love you and miss you, sis) i got another email: it was an IM i received as off-line message, sent by d*, the woman who i still regret to have talked with.
She obviously read my blog and saw my lines, reading:

"I really do hope she doesn't or already didn't try to intervene, it would make everything worse. Though - what is worse than being abandoned by one's beloved Mistress? Abandoned by the center of one's universe?"

Hence she wrote me:

"I will not intervene per your wishes...thank you so very much [...] it was a great comfort to me. I am sorry it came at such a great expense to you."

Gosh even though i don't want to doubt she was sincere, i do doubt that she even has a clue about how great an expense this is to me.

The very person who awakened me, formed me, molded me, taught me; the person who loved me so much and who i adore and whose feet i kiss; the person who never ever wanted to let me leave Her; the person who is the very Center of my universe: my MISTRESS, did abandon me! Me, who was Her First Girl, Her pet slave - and why? Because She righteously felt deceived by my help towards this woman.
And even though it breaks my heart, and i still feel numb and devastated, i do understand Her reaction and know i deserved it. I'm sure though that She suffers as much as i do from this Her decision, because She still loves me as much as i still love Her. I just know it. But i disappointed Her way too much.

Even though one may think, it's just natural for a slave to be polite and helpful and comforting a person in need: in this special case it would have been most appropriate to just tell d*: "please leave me in peace, i don't want to be involved " and then leave the place asap after muting her. This would have shown real loyalty towards my Mistress. I know this now. Now, that it's too late.
Only Heaven knows how deeply i do regret this talk. But only Heavens know if i ever am forgiven.

I remember that i was warned months ago that d* might approach me, and that i should mute her - but either i forgot this warning or her name, or i was too nosy once again - i don't know anymore: i agreed to talk, and now i pay for it.

Nonetheless, and beyond all reason, i still hope Mistress will forgive me and take me back.

resignation

I couldn't tell my fiancee of what has happened - and until now He doesn't know about this blog yet. Still He is wondering what bothers me right now. But i couldn't tell Him...
It just hurts too much, i couldn't log into SL today. My shame and guilt is bigger than my addiction to SL.
I do hope though that (my) Mistress understands that i stayed off-line.

Just as i was distracting my mind writing, i got an off-line message of the woman i had talked with: she offered to intervene on my behalf.
I wasn't able to even react, my mind was drawn back to my devastating mistake, and my first reaction was that i just moved the mail into the junk folder.
I really do hope She doesn't or already didn't try to intervene, it would make everything worse. Though - what is worse than being abandoned by one's beloved Mistress? Abandoned by the center of one's universe? No i really couldn't go on-line today. :(

Over?

I still can't believe it. It seems to be over. I ruined my life - my second Life at least.

Now i am abandoned - and i'm afraid there's no way back to the only person i love as much as i love my RL fiancee: my Mistress.

If She doesn't forgive me and accepts me again - what sense will it make to ever go to SL again?


I made the mistake to talk with a woman i shouldn't talk with; and believing this woman, i tried to comfort her because she seemed hurt and distraught.
Since i helped a friend in a similar case in RL (friends in divorce) by blaming the man even though he was also a friend of me ("sometimes people are dear friends even despite they do things one dislikes") i transfered this RL case onto the case this woman talked to me about, and ...

... well...

... re-reading the logs, my replies really could be understood as deceiving my Mistress - which i had never intended. She means the world for me, i would never intentionally deceive Her.

I thought i would never lose my loyalty to Mistress or fail to obey Her. But i know now: if i had been really obedient i would have ignored that woman, left her and muted her.

Unfortunately my Mistress learned about that i had a talk with that woman, and had me give Her the log of that dialog - it was in local chat anyway. And -- gosh was She mad at me! She still is.

I even had to detach my collar that shows that i am Her property. :(

I am devastated - beyond words.
Heart-broken, numb and shocked and crying all day in RL.
And i'm mad at me myself, because it was my own fault that forced my Mistress to disown me. It was me and my own damned stupidity and credulousness that ruined everything.

Against all reason i hope that my Mistress will forgive me and take me back ... For me, She will never be anything else than my Mistress.
Even though i'm not allowed to wear Her collar anymore, i still feel as Her slave after all: since i became Her slave She has become the center of my SL universe -- where shall i go to if She really insists that i have to leave? If she won't listen to my begging for a second chance?
All i can do now is showing Her that i still feel as Her slave, obeying Her, begging Her, hoping that She takes me back. I still love Her so very much.


...

I rather would suffer all the punishments possible through the RLV - if i only were allowed to wear Her collar again

Service in Frankfurt, a Kiss, and RL issues

Today i did not only visit the CG (Community Gateway a.k.a. Welcome Area) in Frankfurt but also served there one hour - yes i call it serving, not working, because i consider it a service when i explain newbies the first steps in SL.





After that i was teleported to the place where my Mistress was: at the skybox of Master Vincent. He made Her and me test some poseballs - and one of the positions He could select from (i think via a HUD or so) was a kiss - so while my Mistress was afk, i could kiss Her right on Her lips.



Well Mistress must have liked it - because She smiled all the time when She was present in SL between the times She had to be present in RL...
Well even though RL pays the money W/we need to live in SL, it sometimes gets in the way of having fun.

A nice Quotation

Even though i don't like the world of Gor and find the books of the Gor Chronicles quite boring, there are some jewels to be found in these books written by John Norman, just like this one:

“Do your best,” said Feike. “Each of us is a different slave. Each of us unique. Each of us precious, no matter what the beasts say. Certainly they bid hard enough to own us, they fight wars to possess us, they risk their lives to steal us, they fight for us, they kill for us, do not let them tell you you are not important and valuable! Each of us is different, and special. Each must try to be the slave she is, not another slave, but the slave she is, the deepest and most profound slave, which is her deepest self. Remember, there is no other slave such as I, and there is no other slave such as you.”
Prize of Gor Ch 24

At home again

it took a while to catch up here. Gosh it IS terrible to be disconnected from everyone.
Anyways, after 2 days of catching up by phone, chat, meeting people and in SL, its so good to be home again :)

I enjoyed my time in SL even though i couldn't spend much time with Mistress: her RL job and her other duties in SL didn't allow it. But it's not the quantity but the quality that counts - so i really cannot complain :)

Plus: I could start to build the chapel Misty had ordered and paid for. But well... from planned 35 prims I'm now at nearly 70 - and i'm still looking for the optimal textures

here's a rough draft (as i scribbled it down on paper):

Well, the real building does look different - but in general it's the same principle :) And, it has nothing to do anymore (except the size) with the first raw model i rezzed:



Oh by the way: this is on one of the 50x50 sky platforms above "Thorin's Land", a 4096sqm parcel at the North East corner of Temptations which is O/our home.
On the ground, there is a nice medieval house and (my) well, and a nice landscape including a hidden pier on the very corner with a little boat;

2000m above there is a platform which is my workshop where i build things as long as the prims allow it,

(and the shop will move to Tempting as soon as Mistress has time to deal with it)

on 4000m there is the prison and dungeon where there is a cross, and a cage and the kennel - and more if needed
- and the platforms at 1000m and 3000m are not used yet - no clue what Master Thorin needs them for.

Family Trip. Day 6: Saturday

... or: Coming Home

Oh my how have i waited for today! As in the last nights, i was awake very early - from 4am i was in the kitchen, smoking, then i went to bed again short before my parents woke up.
I really couldn't sleep anymore.
Anyways, after our good-bye visits Aunt, brother and cousin we had lunch, then my parents acompanied us to the train station in K**.

According to plan, we should arrive in Halle and have about 15 minutes untill the next train would depart - but our luck was bad: the train arrived with delay, 15 minutes after the scheduled time. Of course we didn't catch our train and had to wait for the next connection which was a bit less convenient: instead of changing trains 3 times from Halle, we had to change 5 times now - though the travel time was a half hour shorter. Though we departed from Halle more than one hour later, we arrived at home only 30 minutes later than on the original schedule.

Gosh what is to report from this kind of travel otherwise than having had good talks or a nap every once and then ... Anyways first thing i did after MAster Thorin and i arrived at home was calling my parents that we arrived safely, and putting all the food they gave us into the fridge.

Then, i asked Master Thorin if i could say hello to Mistress and onyx...

He was as tired as i was, and after a shower He kissed me, then went to bed, not wanting to mess around with a computer again for a while.

So it was me who checked the emails, and then i logged into SL.


After a while, onyx and Mistress came online as well and we spent a wonderful night. Oh i was so happy to see them again, it wasn't missing much and i would have cried of joy only because i was there with Mistress and onyx.

Gosh am i really that emotionally dependant of my Mistress? *sigh*

In RL i had to work hard to not laugh out loud when Mistress played with one man who came to see Her after we had a nice time.
This man, Master n**, tried to pretend to be a Gorean Master and a Dom, but had not enough dominance in Him to be equal to Her. After a few minutes i didn't think otherwise that the next thing he would do was to kneel and submit to Her... He didn't do that though - he left with an excuse. *smile*

Then, when i just started to have some strawberries at the desk - i use to have my cigarettes or my coffee or little snacks at the desk that i don't have to leave the keyboard for longer than a few seconds - Mistress gave onyx a task involving strawberries ... I'm still giggling as i write these lines when thinking about this task... *g* strawberries and cherries really are erotic fruits .

Anyway, the tears were flowing when onyx said her good-bye for the next two weeks: she will go to a vacation on Sunday. Even despite i envy her because i've never been where she's heading to, i am sad that she has to leave and will miss her very much.

But at least i could spend a night with her and see that everything was okay.


I realized tonight, that my true home is not only the place i live with Master Thorin in RL - but that it also is in SL as well, where my dear Mistress is all around me.

Family Trip. Day 5: Friday

I woke up very late and had a nice hang-over. Actually it was late enough to prepare lunch, and Master Thorin told me it would be my task to prepare it today. Much to my parents' surprise, who never ever saw me in the kitchen i managed to prepare a goulash.

The rest o the day i was serving my parents and my Fiancee - and my serving, and their love made me think of pleasing them rather than worrying and being home-sick to my Mistress.

Gosh even though i enjoy my time here in Real Life and with my parents and my Fiancee Master Thorin, i so miss SecondLife and my Mistress, and to not even be able to contact Her via Yahoo is so awful, i absolutely look forward to coming home.