Sep 5, 2009

withdrawal symptoms and other difficulties

Caffeine - Tolerance and Withdrawal

Oh my... why would i link a blog to a wiki about caffeine? And this in a blog about my Second Life and everything affecting it?

Well I used to drink a lot of coffee. Four to five 20oz mugs of coffee a day. And i mean strong coffee. Very strong coffee. The coffee i used to drink was in relation to espresso like your home-brewed coffee would be in relation to the colored water they serve in truck stops as "pay one, get as many free re-fills as you want".
I mentioned this towards onyx the other day, and she was very worried so she more or less talked me into trying cutting it down.
Well i did try.
And you won't believe it, i started to feel wornout quickly. Beside an inability to concentrate, drowsiness, a total weird sleep rhythm and just a slight but constant head ache i started bitching around more than during my PMS... :(

Just as i started getting used to "only" three cups a day again, i started having dreams of a little boy in my arms, and i became sick in the morning... yes, my fears turned out to be legitimate ... I'm pregnant, meanwhile it's the 7th week. *sigh*
Of course i talked to my doc, and he was cross at me for consuming so much caffeine (he even related it to medicine abuse) and told me to cut it down, and to cut down cigarettes as well... and only one glass of alcoholic beverage if at all and more vitamins yadda yadda ... and yes he's right *sigh*

But what has everything above to do with Second Life?
Well, first it affects the time i'm inworld, two it affects my inner strength, three it affects my work, and four it affects my service to my Mistress.

As written above, cutting down coffee and cigarettes does effect my ability to concentrate - which i need to be able to communicate in two languages until way past midnight, or to focus on doing things with programs like GIMP (for textures) and Qavimator (for poses and animations) after having written or translated texts for other people in Office, and after having posted in the forums i'm a member of, and/or having written some scenes of the new scripts version of "Involuntary Females" in Celtx -- not to mention the concentration the rest of my Real Life needs sometimes.

But why would I need to stay awake until way past midnight? Well, to spend as much time as possible with my Mistress of course. Since my Mistress is living in USA, there are 7 hours time difference between Her and me. So when it's noon for Her, it's 7pm for me. And since Her best time to go inworld is afternoon/evening Her time (because She has a RL to attend too) - think afternoon plus 7 hours and you get the point. Luckily i work from home so i have been able to go to bed with sunrise and sleep late and still get my work done without problems.

And here we come to point one: my time inworld. With a sleep-rhythm going all haywire, i can't rely on a certain time of going inworld anymore. Hence i become unreliable too. Sometimes my inworld time is from 7pm to 10pm, hardly seeing Mistress and onyx; sometimes it's between Midnight and 2 or 3am, seing onyx only half of the time; sometimes i need a nap after my RL work and wake up at 6am after a 14h sleep and thus miss both Mistress and onyx; sometimes it's the formerly usual time between 10pm and 2am. It has become chaotic.

Two, as a slave in an M/s relationship i feel to have a certain responsibility for Mistress, so when She needs to just relax from exhausting RL, i try to be calming and supportive and be not too pushy. And as First girl of Mistress i also do have a responsibility towards onyx, and i feel that i should not only be her bestest friend and sister but that i also should lead her when Mistress is not online in a way that would make my Mistress proud of both of us. Even Mistress said that it would be good for training as long as both onyx and i don't see me as a replacement for Her.
And here comes the problem with my inner strength: Going through this withdrawal, being irritatable and having concentration issues and being less reliable with inworld times, i currently tend to be more demanding than normal. At least i feel i am. With no creative ideas to give input, i feel i kind of force my Mistress to come up with ideas instead of just relaxing and deciding between humbly made suggestions. So instead of giving my Mistress strength i feel i'm drawing it from Her which is the last thing i ever wanted. I'm glad onyx is on my side to take this part and help both Mistress and me - which is not always easy for her. And my lack of input plus my difficulties in domming and leading, gives onyx a really hard time at the moment. I sometimes wonder that both Mistress and onyx still love me as much as they do.

Three, my work: yes, this also affects my work - because i need more time to do the same amount of work than before in RL, and i just don't feel like doing any work in SL at the moment. i haven't done any service in a Welcome Area since FFH Land was killed, and i haven't built anything inworld since i tried cutting down the coffee usage the first time. Okay, i did make two poses (which were far from perfect) and i made a few textures, but ... somehow the interest to do anything creative has decreased - even the interest in working on my story (though it is waiting to be finished as if it had a dead-line).

And last but not least, when i'm that irritatable and lacking of concentration and creativity, i'm becoming less useful as a slave in a lifestyle that depends on communication and mutual inspiration. I love my Mistress and am as supportive and calming as i can, but at the moment i'm not much of use: Obeying commands as good as i can is all i can do at the moment. Plus that i'm feeling less able to help onyx to become the perfect slave she wants to be, and my irregular inworld time makes it difficult to serve my Mistress and my sister as good as i should. In my current state, i'm far from being a perfect slave. :(

Mistress, if You read this: i do love you, and i still try to be the best slave i can be - and even though i have difficulties and issues at the moment, i will do my best to serve and support You, as i always did.

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