4 YEARS !!!

Is there even one M/s relationship in SL that has been that long in a row?
It was four years ago that a bored girl went into a bar, and by chance stepped on the way that  is the most awesome life-style on Earth. As I wrote long time ago: Limit girl or how gem was born


Thank you very much, dear Mistress, for been with me during all these years. For Your leadership, Your teaching, Your faith in me, Your encouragement. For the dedication, trust, love, and inspiration You've given and taught me.
After all these years, I am still both thankful and proud to be Your slave.

Musings About Getting Immersion

..., or: a reminder to dear memories...

A few days ago, I found a very great and profound article in Adam Zadeh's wonderful blog Gorean Wines:

Try this at home or "so you wanna be a kajira"

In my journeys though out Second Life I have heard again and again the same lament.  My boyfriend/husband/significant other does not/will  understand my need to explore my submissive side.  So they start to explore this need via virtual reality programs like SL or via "relationship" sites like Collar Me, and the much superior Fet Life - where at least you can learn something.  

I personally see no harm in this.  However I have always argued that unless you experience some of these things in reality, you have no idea what it feels like.   Your reactions will be much more realistic in the game if your mind has an idea of what it would be liked to be flogged.  To be tied up or to be forced to do things.  This little article is not geared towards those of us in the lifestyle (Gorean or otherwise) but towards those that are "newbie's" to BDSM.

Some of these little exercises may make you smile, but each is designed to "give you a taste" of what a slave on Gor may have experienced in their day to day lives. [read more...]

Though I wouldn't call SL a game (I think i mentioned that already somewhere) I  think this article is a really great read for everyone who wants to be - or just play - a slave in SL.
What exercises are what he writes about? Well, duh - things you see each kajira or slave girl doing in SL.. Things like: trying the slave positions, trying how it feels to wear a collar, trying to be mindful in your acts - and a few more. And he is right, it does add realism and plausibility to your acts in the realms of SL, other virtual worlds - or even chatrooms.

These are only suggestions, how you meet your desires is up to you....but the journey there is full of wonderful surprises.

And that is something I totally can admit.Kudos to such an insightful blog and such a great article.

But this article very much reminded me of my own way to become a slave in SL, and also of a post I wrote long time ago:
Gem's blog: a few thoughts about being a slave: "I consider myself a slave, slave of Mistress Lexi Leiner , Her property. A slave with privileges though, but nonetheless a slave.  You might..."

Unfree, no matter what

In the blog Unfrei, which is written by a really devoted Gorean Kajira roleplayer, I just read a quotation that made me smile.

Can you truly give up the things you need to, to be someone's slave? Would you put yourself last, or even second? If you want something, and you are denied it… can you let it go and trust that it was for the best? Can you learn, relearn, and train even when you feel like it's hopeless? Will you still be a slave, and think of others when your mood sucks? Will you still be a slave even as tears course down your cheeks while you are punished or reprimanded? Will you still feel like being a slave when you are told he doesn't want to have you near him right now? Will you still feel like a slave if he does not touch you when you wish, but when he wishes…. Will you still want to be a slave as you toss and turn at night, your desires unmet because he said no? Will you still want to be a Gorean slave when he decides to give someone else the attention you think you deserve or that you crave?

I realized that I can  answer these questions (even though i would have to replace Master with Mistress, he with she, and discard the word Gorean), all these questions happily with  YES, YES, YES!!!
Since May 08, I've already shown that I am the slave of my Mistress no matter what, and willingly so, andt I will show anytime again that I can do it, that I not only can be, but already and for ever am, for better or worse, my Mistress' slave. - until She decides to disown me.

One last question...
How romantic does slavery sound now?

It doesn't sound romantic at all, that's true. But for me, it feels just right!


Merry Christmas my dear Mistress, and my dear few readers.

a little summary, and musings about privacy, ponyplay, Gor and Alts

I'd love to give a summary of what happened between my Mistress and i, what happened with "miss", what led to precious throw in and submit to me... And I know those who know me would love to know these reasons too. But ...
But as I have been in trouble because I talked too much once, I have promised to not mention anything about my Mistress' RL even if that's the only way to explain things happening in SL, nor anything that can (read by the wrong people) cause Her harm and drama. I think there's enough drama in RL, and we don't need that in SL as well.

Anyways, I'm still the slave of my Mistress even though we're not together anymore on a daily base in SL, we still share secrets with each other, and to see Her Dominant friends wiggle around me, Her girl, trying to get even a little information about Her is just funny. Gosh I love to act as Her "Vorzimmerdrachen": the receptionist who makes clear that her boss gets as much privacy as possible, the secretary who only lets people pass who are invited by her boss on a whim.

And precious and I get along well, though I more and more realize that I am not made to be a Domme.. I do teach her and I do lead her, but we're OOC about half of the time, and as a Mistress I should be much less lenient than I am.
Precious told me in her "Limits and Wishes" notecard that she liked to see what it is to be a pony girl. Since I have no clue about that topic myself, I made sure she applied at the training center at the Frilly Filly Farm. Well even though I am taken aback a bit, thinking of my girl to be trained by someone else in general - and as a pony girl in special, I think it may be a good experience for her and will lead to a better understanding about what obedience means to a slave. And there's the saying after all: Be careful what you wish for - it may come true.

As mentioned before, I live now on my precious' land, as a subtenant so to speak. It's called Jona's Isle, named after the character Jona from my story. It's an island on 1/4 homestead sim, and I used up almost all 936 prims there - for two houses, a tent, some trees and 2 ships and a drawbridge towards the 1/4 sim which is our normal home: Labyrinth, the home of precious. Jona's Isle looks a bit like a Gorean smugglers nest, and that is intentionally. I do hope that it is visited by some Gorean friends as an outlet for roleplay, or to relax in a environment looking a bit like their home.
Though I do love the other part too, the quarter where my precious has built her home, I do have the ambition to make this island look perfect. When I am with my precious, we use the entire half of the sim - though the main villa on Labyrinth tends to be deserted most of the time. So many plans and so little time to make new friends and invite them over :D

Why did I make Jona's Island look Gor-like, and why do I have so many Gorean friends since I talked about BDSM only? well, I do have an Alt (alternative account) role-playing in SL-Gor. She's a Scribe - which is one of the highest castes (a kind of guild) on Gor, the caste of scholars and scientists, accountants and clerks. And with this Alt I have a lot of friends both in the town I play in (her Home Stone) and elsewhere in SL-Gor. And I must say even though I would not wish for Gorean conditions here on Earth, I like this roleplay, and it is challenging. And the roleplay did actually improve my writing as much as the critiques in the writing forums.
And, between pentecost and a few weeks ago, I had a break from roleplay. Even though I had managed it then to have time for working at the newbie area, for role-playing, and for serving my Mistress, I needed a break from roleplay, so my Alt was pausing, I was in SL only with this my main account. But I started to miss the RP, so this month I decided to let my Gorean character return to her Home Stone - with a background story: my character spent the time on Jona's Island, using a false identity as a merchant's Free Companion.

My Mistress knows my Alt, just like I know the Alts of all my closest friends - and it was a strange feeling to talk to my Mistress on an equal base, though we made it like our girl-to-girl talks - but it became even stranger and more challenging when she started to pretend to be a kajira when I was dressed as a Gorean Free Woman.
I admit, I don't really like to see my Mistress at my feet, somehow I can't differ OOC from IC then: She is my Mistress after all, no matter how both of us are dressed.
And I realized, no matter which avatar I use - if I am gem or my Alt, in my perception my Mistress will always be my Mistress. It's the human behind her avatar who I submitted to, not her avatar.

been a busy bee

It may seem that I haven't done anything at all, since my last post was a few months ago.
But I was busy in RL for a while, writing.
Here are the links to the PDF-files of the English and the German version of the script to the story "Involuntary Females", as far as it goes by now (38 scenes). Once I am finished, I'll re-work them into novel form.

Onyx is now with me, though I call her precious now. Unfortunately she couldn't go well with my Mistress, so she eventually threw her collar in - but she din't want to get out of the position of a slave and she trusted me very very much... and I love her to pieces, so I finally stopped resisting her submission to me, despite I feel more as a slave than a Dominant. But I must say it is a challenging experience to teach and to lead for a change. If I wouldn't serve my Mistress whenever I can, I didn't know where to get the power and inspiration from to teach and lead Precious.
Anyway, even though my Mistress doesn't like the fact that I act as a switch now, and especially doesn't like the fact that precious is now my girl, I still try to make Her proud by doing as She taught me, by taking Her as shiny example.

A third jewel - and a Lioness fights for Her pups

Our little family has grown bigger. Dream, who came into SL about 6 or 7 weeks ago, submitted to Mistress a few days ago. After the first time Dream met Mistress, Mistress asked us (onyx and me) to friend her, and to try explain her the M/s lifestyle.
Well we did begin to explain it to her, and Dream stated that she would like to be like us.
Then, a few days ago, Dream came to the place where we girls were kneeling before Mistress, more exactly: Mistress asked onyx to tp Dream to her. Without thinking i greeted her as "Miss Dream" (damn habits, calling everyone Miss or Sir), and short time later i gave her the tower animation that she could kneel before Mistress to submit to Her. After Mistress spoke to her and short before she was accepted by Her, Dream asked me to not call her miss anymore (yes, the word with lower case letters) - so Mistress asked her if she would dislike to be called miss. Dream answered yes, so Mistress decided that Dream's new slave name would be miss now, much to her dismay.
Actually i do hope that miss will be her name only temporary, that she will get a jewel name like the names of onyx or me, but it's up to Mistress whether or not She decides for one.
Onyx then was sent to go with her buy her our slave uniform, then all 4 of U/us went to the Open Collar place to get a collar and the AO for our new sister.

While waiting there, onyx tried to talk a bit to someone else's slave, but her Master waited with his complaint until W/we were outside the most crowded place, then addressed Mistress that She demanded Her to punish onyx for whispering to other Master's slaves without Their permission. Wow that was a wrong thing to demand. Mistress asked if onyx said anything wrong to his slave, and when he said no, just that onyx didn't ask him first, She got cross at him and said that we, Her girls, were free to talk to anyone unless being told to be silent at all, and that it was not up to him to scold Her girls publicly. Mistress defended onyx like a Lioness one of Her pups.

When we were back home again, all three jewels leashed to Mistress, i was surprised how very much miss absorbed her new position as a slave, how very fast she adapted to it. I do hope she keeps that pace, and stays with us. I have the feeling that - if she stays - she will be a very valuable asset in Mistress' little collection of jewels, as valuable as onyx.

withdrawal symptoms and other difficulties

Caffeine - Tolerance and Withdrawal

Oh my... why would i link a blog to a wiki about caffeine? And this in a blog about my Second Life and everything affecting it?

Well I used to drink a lot of coffee. Four to five 20oz mugs of coffee a day. And i mean strong coffee. Very strong coffee. The coffee i used to drink was in relation to espresso like your home-brewed coffee would be in relation to the colored water they serve in truck stops as "pay one, get as many free re-fills as you want".
I mentioned this towards onyx the other day, and she was very worried so she more or less talked me into trying cutting it down.
Well i did try.
And you won't believe it, i started to feel wornout quickly. Beside an inability to concentrate, drowsiness, a total weird sleep rhythm and just a slight but constant head ache i started bitching around more than during my PMS... :(

Just as i started getting used to "only" three cups a day again, i started having dreams of a little boy in my arms, and i became sick in the morning... yes, my fears turned out to be legitimate ... I'm pregnant, meanwhile it's the 7th week. *sigh*
Of course i talked to my doc, and he was cross at me for consuming so much caffeine (he even related it to medicine abuse) and told me to cut it down, and to cut down cigarettes as well... and only one glass of alcoholic beverage if at all and more vitamins yadda yadda ... and yes he's right *sigh*

But what has everything above to do with Second Life?
Well, first it affects the time i'm inworld, two it affects my inner strength, three it affects my work, and four it affects my service to my Mistress.

As written above, cutting down coffee and cigarettes does effect my ability to concentrate - which i need to be able to communicate in two languages until way past midnight, or to focus on doing things with programs like GIMP (for textures) and Qavimator (for poses and animations) after having written or translated texts for other people in Office, and after having posted in the forums i'm a member of, and/or having written some scenes of the new scripts version of "Involuntary Females" in Celtx -- not to mention the concentration the rest of my Real Life needs sometimes.

But why would I need to stay awake until way past midnight? Well, to spend as much time as possible with my Mistress of course. Since my Mistress is living in USA, there are 7 hours time difference between Her and me. So when it's noon for Her, it's 7pm for me. And since Her best time to go inworld is afternoon/evening Her time (because She has a RL to attend too) - think afternoon plus 7 hours and you get the point. Luckily i work from home so i have been able to go to bed with sunrise and sleep late and still get my work done without problems.

And here we come to point one: my time inworld. With a sleep-rhythm going all haywire, i can't rely on a certain time of going inworld anymore. Hence i become unreliable too. Sometimes my inworld time is from 7pm to 10pm, hardly seeing Mistress and onyx; sometimes it's between Midnight and 2 or 3am, seing onyx only half of the time; sometimes i need a nap after my RL work and wake up at 6am after a 14h sleep and thus miss both Mistress and onyx; sometimes it's the formerly usual time between 10pm and 2am. It has become chaotic.

Two, as a slave in an M/s relationship i feel to have a certain responsibility for Mistress, so when She needs to just relax from exhausting RL, i try to be calming and supportive and be not too pushy. And as First girl of Mistress i also do have a responsibility towards onyx, and i feel that i should not only be her bestest friend and sister but that i also should lead her when Mistress is not online in a way that would make my Mistress proud of both of us. Even Mistress said that it would be good for training as long as both onyx and i don't see me as a replacement for Her.
And here comes the problem with my inner strength: Going through this withdrawal, being irritatable and having concentration issues and being less reliable with inworld times, i currently tend to be more demanding than normal. At least i feel i am. With no creative ideas to give input, i feel i kind of force my Mistress to come up with ideas instead of just relaxing and deciding between humbly made suggestions. So instead of giving my Mistress strength i feel i'm drawing it from Her which is the last thing i ever wanted. I'm glad onyx is on my side to take this part and help both Mistress and me - which is not always easy for her. And my lack of input plus my difficulties in domming and leading, gives onyx a really hard time at the moment. I sometimes wonder that both Mistress and onyx still love me as much as they do.

Three, my work: yes, this also affects my work - because i need more time to do the same amount of work than before in RL, and i just don't feel like doing any work in SL at the moment. i haven't done any service in a Welcome Area since FFH Land was killed, and i haven't built anything inworld since i tried cutting down the coffee usage the first time. Okay, i did make two poses (which were far from perfect) and i made a few textures, but ... somehow the interest to do anything creative has decreased - even the interest in working on my story (though it is waiting to be finished as if it had a dead-line).

And last but not least, when i'm that irritatable and lacking of concentration and creativity, i'm becoming less useful as a slave in a lifestyle that depends on communication and mutual inspiration. I love my Mistress and am as supportive and calming as i can, but at the moment i'm not much of use: Obeying commands as good as i can is all i can do at the moment. Plus that i'm feeling less able to help onyx to become the perfect slave she wants to be, and my irregular inworld time makes it difficult to serve my Mistress and my sister as good as i should. In my current state, i'm far from being a perfect slave. :(

Mistress, if You read this: i do love you, and i still try to be the best slave i can be - and even though i have difficulties and issues at the moment, i will do my best to serve and support You, as i always did.

Catching Up

I know i havent taken care of this my blog for way too long...
I'm really sorry about that. But like my Mistress uses to say: RL comes always first.

So, this post will become somewhat long today.

Yes, I'm still with my Mistress. She seemed to have forgiven me, and her friend Sir T. who i also did hurt with my talking to d* (even made his situation in RL worse than it was before) seems to have forgiven me.

So i could be happy about that fact and close that chapter like they did, if ... well if I myself wouldnt be so slow at forgiving me. :(


I talked with Master Thorin, and He managed to calm me down, and He sent me a link to a picture and told me to place it here when i told him that i wanted to write about my thoughts in that matter.

I don't know if it really fits in here but as He asked me so nicely ...

Hm... Well ... Zen stuff *shrug* I never understood that part.



* * *


Speaking of closing a chapter: The Community Gateway in FFH Land, formerly belonging to the virtual town of Frankfurt, has closed, and the sim will disappear soon.

I liked working there, helping newbies in a town that resembled the big city close to where i live in RL. It had a feeling of being near home.



Sadly, this CG has closed there forever - and it's even sadder that it wasn't even for financial reasons: there would have been sponsors for it. No, it was personal reasons why the CG was dumped.

Now, that the place has been junked with memorables and pictures, it doesnt look even a bit homely anymore - as i had to see when i was there with my sister Onyx.



By the way, the letters DID on the entry place don't mean the past tense of DO, but are the abbreviation of "Deutscher Info-Dienst", German Info Service.


*sigh*


Seeing how the place has changed, and knowing that it is only a memorial now, no place for incoming newbies anymore, made (and still makes) me sad.


So, to a more homelier place:

"Thorin's Land", the land Master Thorin and i own on Temptations, the sim of my Mistress.


I finally finished the chapel for Onyx, even though i had to buy clocks and a bell and the benches for it. But the money Onyx gave me for it was more than enough to to buy them and still have a win.

Here it is in it's final form:



Yes i know it rather looks like a church than a chapel :D but Onyx liked it, and that was important.


And, Master Thorin bought a house (actually had it custom-built) as a new home for us.
Since this one has a basement, it had to be placed on a hill - so a lot of new landscaping had to be made which led to new ideas (and a bit of time to spend with working to realize them).









Home warming party will be soon, i already work on an invitation list and on the preparations for the party.





I love my Mistress, and i love my sister Onyx
Let's hope the powers that be let us all live happy on Temptations and in this new house.

an apology by off-line IM

Just as i was replying to an email by Onyx last night (btw, i love you and miss you, sis) i got another email: it was an IM i received as off-line message, sent by d*, the woman who i still regret to have talked with.
She obviously read my blog and saw my lines, reading:

"I really do hope she doesn't or already didn't try to intervene, it would make everything worse. Though - what is worse than being abandoned by one's beloved Mistress? Abandoned by the center of one's universe?"

Hence she wrote me:

"I will not intervene per your wishes...thank you so very much [...] it was a great comfort to me. I am sorry it came at such a great expense to you."

Gosh even though i don't want to doubt she was sincere, i do doubt that she even has a clue about how great an expense this is to me.

The very person who awakened me, formed me, molded me, taught me; the person who loved me so much and who i adore and whose feet i kiss; the person who never ever wanted to let me leave Her; the person who is the very Center of my universe: my MISTRESS, did abandon me! Me, who was Her First Girl, Her pet slave - and why? Because She righteously felt deceived by my help towards this woman.
And even though it breaks my heart, and i still feel numb and devastated, i do understand Her reaction and know i deserved it. I'm sure though that She suffers as much as i do from this Her decision, because She still loves me as much as i still love Her. I just know it. But i disappointed Her way too much.

Even though one may think, it's just natural for a slave to be polite and helpful and comforting a person in need: in this special case it would have been most appropriate to just tell d*: "please leave me in peace, i don't want to be involved " and then leave the place asap after muting her. This would have shown real loyalty towards my Mistress. I know this now. Now, that it's too late.
Only Heaven knows how deeply i do regret this talk. But only Heavens know if i ever am forgiven.

I remember that i was warned months ago that d* might approach me, and that i should mute her - but either i forgot this warning or her name, or i was too nosy once again - i don't know anymore: i agreed to talk, and now i pay for it.

Nonetheless, and beyond all reason, i still hope Mistress will forgive me and take me back.

Over?

I still can't believe it. It seems to be over. I ruined my life - my second Life at least.

Now i am abandoned - and i'm afraid there's no way back to the only person i love as much as i love my RL fiancee: my Mistress.

If She doesn't forgive me and accepts me again - what sense will it make to ever go to SL again?


I made the mistake to talk with a woman i shouldn't talk with; and believing this woman, i tried to comfort her because she seemed hurt and distraught.
Since i helped a friend in a similar case in RL (friends in divorce) by blaming the man even though he was also a friend of me ("sometimes people are dear friends even despite they do things one dislikes") i transfered this RL case onto the case this woman talked to me about, and ...

... well...

... re-reading the logs, my replies really could be understood as deceiving my Mistress - which i had never intended. She means the world for me, i would never intentionally deceive Her.

I thought i would never lose my loyalty to Mistress or fail to obey Her. But i know now: if i had been really obedient i would have ignored that woman, left her and muted her.

Unfortunately my Mistress learned about that i had a talk with that woman, and had me give Her the log of that dialog - it was in local chat anyway. And -- gosh was She mad at me! She still is.

I even had to detach my collar that shows that i am Her property. :(

I am devastated - beyond words.
Heart-broken, numb and shocked and crying all day in RL.
And i'm mad at me myself, because it was my own fault that forced my Mistress to disown me. It was me and my own damned stupidity and credulousness that ruined everything.

Against all reason i hope that my Mistress will forgive me and take me back ... For me, She will never be anything else than my Mistress.
Even though i'm not allowed to wear Her collar anymore, i still feel as Her slave after all: since i became Her slave She has become the center of my SL universe -- where shall i go to if She really insists that i have to leave? If she won't listen to my begging for a second chance?
All i can do now is showing Her that i still feel as Her slave, obeying Her, begging Her, hoping that She takes me back. I still love Her so very much.


...

I rather would suffer all the punishments possible through the RLV - if i only were allowed to wear Her collar again

Service in Frankfurt, a Kiss, and RL issues

Today i did not only visit the CG (Community Gateway a.k.a. Welcome Area) in Frankfurt but also served there one hour - yes i call it serving, not working, because i consider it a service when i explain newbies the first steps in SL.





After that i was teleported to the place where my Mistress was: at the skybox of Master Vincent. He made Her and me test some poseballs - and one of the positions He could select from (i think via a HUD or so) was a kiss - so while my Mistress was afk, i could kiss Her right on Her lips.



Well Mistress must have liked it - because She smiled all the time when She was present in SL between the times She had to be present in RL...
Well even though RL pays the money W/we need to live in SL, it sometimes gets in the way of having fun.

A nice Quotation

Even though i don't like the world of Gor and find the books of the Gor Chronicles quite boring, there are some jewels to be found in these books written by John Norman, just like this one:

“Do your best,” said Feike. “Each of us is a different slave. Each of us unique. Each of us precious, no matter what the beasts say. Certainly they bid hard enough to own us, they fight wars to possess us, they risk their lives to steal us, they fight for us, they kill for us, do not let them tell you you are not important and valuable! Each of us is different, and special. Each must try to be the slave she is, not another slave, but the slave she is, the deepest and most profound slave, which is her deepest self. Remember, there is no other slave such as I, and there is no other slave such as you.”
Prize of Gor Ch 24

Family Trip. Day 6: Saturday

... or: Coming Home

Oh my how have i waited for today! As in the last nights, i was awake very early - from 4am i was in the kitchen, smoking, then i went to bed again short before my parents woke up.
I really couldn't sleep anymore.
Anyways, after our good-bye visits Aunt, brother and cousin we had lunch, then my parents acompanied us to the train station in K**.

According to plan, we should arrive in Halle and have about 15 minutes untill the next train would depart - but our luck was bad: the train arrived with delay, 15 minutes after the scheduled time. Of course we didn't catch our train and had to wait for the next connection which was a bit less convenient: instead of changing trains 3 times from Halle, we had to change 5 times now - though the travel time was a half hour shorter. Though we departed from Halle more than one hour later, we arrived at home only 30 minutes later than on the original schedule.

Gosh what is to report from this kind of travel otherwise than having had good talks or a nap every once and then ... Anyways first thing i did after MAster Thorin and i arrived at home was calling my parents that we arrived safely, and putting all the food they gave us into the fridge.

Then, i asked Master Thorin if i could say hello to Mistress and onyx...

He was as tired as i was, and after a shower He kissed me, then went to bed, not wanting to mess around with a computer again for a while.

So it was me who checked the emails, and then i logged into SL.


After a while, onyx and Mistress came online as well and we spent a wonderful night. Oh i was so happy to see them again, it wasn't missing much and i would have cried of joy only because i was there with Mistress and onyx.

Gosh am i really that emotionally dependant of my Mistress? *sigh*

In RL i had to work hard to not laugh out loud when Mistress played with one man who came to see Her after we had a nice time.
This man, Master n**, tried to pretend to be a Gorean Master and a Dom, but had not enough dominance in Him to be equal to Her. After a few minutes i didn't think otherwise that the next thing he would do was to kneel and submit to Her... He didn't do that though - he left with an excuse. *smile*

Then, when i just started to have some strawberries at the desk - i use to have my cigarettes or my coffee or little snacks at the desk that i don't have to leave the keyboard for longer than a few seconds - Mistress gave onyx a task involving strawberries ... I'm still giggling as i write these lines when thinking about this task... *g* strawberries and cherries really are erotic fruits .

Anyway, the tears were flowing when onyx said her good-bye for the next two weeks: she will go to a vacation on Sunday. Even despite i envy her because i've never been where she's heading to, i am sad that she has to leave and will miss her very much.

But at least i could spend a night with her and see that everything was okay.


I realized tonight, that my true home is not only the place i live with Master Thorin in RL - but that it also is in SL as well, where my dear Mistress is all around me.

Nawty And Nice

or: also slaves can have fun

Last night was such a roller-coaster night for me again. I logged into SL, greeted Mistress and went to my post to Sir Tolya's House. We are there to greet His guests should i have forgotten to mention it.
Well, i just showed Misty the ground floor when i saw on the minimap 2 guests. We went out of thel Library where we've been at that moment and greeted them, then they went upstairs to one of the bedrooms to have their fun.
While i didn't dare to disturb their privacy, Misty suggested i could show her the upper floor and explain everything in IM, so i agreed, and did so.
BAck downstairs, we talked again a little bit, then she said something like: "I wonder what they do there upstairs" - I replied "You don't want to kow" - but we did let our fantasy play *giggles*

Suddenly we got a tp invite from Mistress: She took us to Master Vincent's home ...

... where the four of U/us then played "Naughty Or Nice". In this game one asks the next "Naughty or nice?" and then comes up with a question along the reply - so a naughty question if the reply is "naughty" or a nice one if the reply is "nice"

After some rounds, Mistress asked me: "if you were alone on an island, and hornier than hell, and the only things around you were a coconut and a stick, what would you use and how?"
oh.
my.
gosh.
I didn't know what to imagine and i felt uneasy enough with this entire topic, because even the "nice" questions were about sex, so i replied: "i would use the coconut to hit myself unconcious to prevent me from using this stick as a dildo."

even I cracked up into laughter infront of the monitor. Well after that i did't feel that uneasy anymore - still a bit but it was okay.

After it was time for Master Vincent to log off, Mistress got some IMs that pissed Her off. She sent us home to Temptations, and came a few minutes later, fuming. Someone used His rights to see me on the map to track Her, and claimed then that He wanted to talk to me.. Just strange that i did not even get an IM of Him...

Anyway, She calmed down, and then had a girl to girl time with us.
It was funny - as the girl to girl times always have been funny when She and i were alone. it's a good way to talk and to know each other, Roleplayers would say, it's OOC time: "out of character".
Well, using the RLV - and being a sub in Real Life, i hardly can leave my character of being Her slave - but its way more relaxed than at normal times. It's the time when we are just girl friends.
we talked about problems and about funny things, about likes and dislikes - just like girl friends who don't live D/s.

And then, short before She had to leave to work at Her dancer job, She gave misty her slave-name. As i am gem, she is now onyx.

And isn't an onyx a nice jewel?

limit girl, or: How gem was born

I couldn't sleep well tonight, so i woke up after .. uhm, less than 4 hours.


Well ...

But i did dream of the time how i began, so i looked into my notes and found a situation written after my memory. It may not be complete (means i may have forgotten details), but you will get the point.

Persons:

• Master Rustie (following: R)
• my Mistress (following: M)
• myself (following: i)

It was late after midnight (okay, after sunrise already), on 6th of May '08. I was drunken and bored, so i logged into SL. After some exploring, i found a club where a party was happening.
Of course i attended, invited or not.
The music was nice, it had something of a Goth/medieval ambience - including the outfits of the guests.

Several people i saw had something with SAH in their group tag, so i asked the next person near me, who happened to be a man:

i: So what does SAH mean, Rustie?
R: (bored) look in my profile
i: (surprised) Slave Auction House? And that Master means...
i: ... that you buy, own, and sell slaves?
R: yes it does *smirks*
i: so .. what does a slave have to do, "Master" rustie?
R: *raises an eyebrow* Without " "! It's either Master rustie for my girls or Sir, or rustie if you are equal to me.
i: Hm... okay....
i: sorry if i offended you
R: still interested in finding out what a slave has to do?
i: Uhm... sure
R: then: KNEEL!
i: yes Sir (kneels awkwardly, just hitting the picture-down button, still can't explain why i did so)
R: smiles - well that is interesting
R: can't you properly kneel?
i: no Sir i cant... dont know how to do it
R: you'll learn it... whats your limits, girl?
i: limits, Sir?
R: things you will deny to do no matter what...
i: forced sex, violence, such things, Sir
R: very limited, huh? Hm ... *thinks*
R: follow me

i followed this strange man through the club, until we stopped at a woman. Her group tag read: SAH Mistress - and her name: Lexi Leiner

R: Lexi, i have a gift for you.
M: a gift? Nice! What is it? Where is it?
R: here beside me. (turns to me) Did I say stand up, limit girl?
i: no Sir
R: Then why do you stand? (i "kneel", rolling my eyes in RL: how else should i walk?)
M: limit girl? *wonders*
R: it needs training but has limits
M: lol. be honest how much did you have to pay for her?
R: nothing. she came to Me and asked Me
M: lol. she didn't, did she?
R: yep. (turns to me) girl, tell Mistress Lexi how it was
i: yes Sir. Mistress, I asked Sir to teach me what it means to be a slave on SL.

-------

Well, She accepted this gift which was i, and began to teach me.

I thought it was just a strange role-play game - but it was more... so very much more.

It was my entry into the lifestyle i live now, a step i never ever regretted.

I cannot thank Master Rustie enough for having given me to my Mistress as a gift - and i cannot thank my Mistress enough for having accepted me as Her slave. Mistress, i love you so much.


(click to see it big)

A wonderful Day

Have i mentioned before that my Mistress is a "switch"?
Hm... Please forgive me, i forgot...
Well, for explanation: a switch is someone who needs to be both: dominant and submissive. And as much as my Mistress enjoys being a Mistress, she enjoys to serve as a slave. And She likes the thrill of being "sold" at an auction.
By such an event She has found a new Master for a week now - by contract this means 20 hrs plus what she is willing to add.

Short after i logged in and greeted Her, She tp'd me to His place. Master Vincent is a nice and experienced dominant man who i quickly felt comfortable with, so i didn't bother when He started teasing Mistress sexually and asked me questions i would have blushed like a tomato if someone else had asked them.
Suddenly i was told to also start teasing Mistress and to undress, and since Mistress said it were up to me to follow or to say stop, i decided to obey. When did i ever have the chance to tease my Mistress before? Even sexually? *grins mischievously*

Wow it WENT far.
Short time after we began, Master Vincent excused Himself and vanished, leaving us alone. With time, it went so far, i would have orgasmed in RL if Master Thorin (my RL fiancee) hadn't come home from His training hours just in the very minute before i could.
**phew - do you know the feeling when you are just on the edge to total bliss, and you get disturbed? An ice-cold shower is nothing compared to it (though needed immediately)**
And *wow* the REAL high you only get being with another girl - men are never able to drive you this high: women just know a female body too well *blush*

I really don't know if Master Thorin would like the idea of his RL girl being sexual with another girl, especially with my Mistress. But He never scolded me for things that i did to please my Mistress -- shouldn't a good slave do anything to please her Mistress? *grin*


Anyways ...
Short time after Mistress and i went home to Temptations, Misty, a former resident there, submitted to my Mistress. Misty has told me for days how she envied me for my life as a slave, so ...
well...
as soon as my Mistress had time (being a sim-owner and having a RL job on the phone does interrupt sometimes) She talked with her, then send me to get her a collar, and accepted her as Her new slave. Wow ..
Yes i am excited. YAY!! Now i have a sister again!
Now i am first girl and will have to help Mistress teach this new girl :) I'm so looking forward to it!

a few thoughts about being a slave

I consider myself a slave, slave of Mistress Lexi Leiner , Her property. A slave with privileges though, but nonetheless a slave.

You might now ask: What? A slave? Isn't slavery illegal?

And yes, besides the BDSM context of Safe, Sane, Consensual, slavery is illegal almost everywhere. In some few countries even despite of it.
BDSM means: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, SadoMasochism - and is for some not only a game but a life-style. But nonetheless everything happening in this context is CONSENSUAL - well, at least it's supposed to be, per definition.

Unlike the historical slavery, being a slave in M/s (Master/slave, the intensification of D/s (Dominant/submissive)) relationships have nothing to do with forced obediance, or disconsent. It is a sign of TRUST and LOVE to the Master or Mistress to decide not to be their part-time sub anymore but their 24/7 slave, and means a high degree of COMMITMENT on both sides. It's not only that you as a slave are supposed to be available to serve on every whim of your Master or Mistress, it is also that your Master or Mistress has to be available to serve your need to serve them, and not all of them can handle this RESPONSIBILITY.
And yes, you become property, like a pet - only that you are a human being. And which owner would abandon their pet? Only people who can't handle this responsibility.
To become a slave is a decision of free will, which must be considered thoroughly before going the way. It can become a slippery slope with no return to the former normalcy of being an "emancipated woman" - and without responsible guiding it even might become a mental and emotional dependence, a bondage that binds you more effectively to your Master/Mistress than any chain and restraint can do.

I must say my Mistress is very caring and shows very much responsibility - and until now She doesn't even know about this blog, so it's my real, unaffected opinion ;)
Well, as much as She dislikes to be without me, Her gem, as much She wishes to prevent Her gem from any damage, be it emotionally or otherwise - even from damage She might cause by irresponsible behaviour. We quite often do "girl-to-girl talks" or other "Out of Character" (OOC) things that She can relax from this responsibility for a while.
I try to serve her any way i'm able to, be it running errands, be it listening, be it things like moving stuff around or making textures for boxes, or just sitting there to be shown off... whatever pleases Her, i do. And willingly so.
And when She's not around i try to please Her, to make Her proud of me. **smiles: here's the "good dog" comparison again** (edited to repair the link)

Anyways, since i'm wearing Her collar (means, the collar She gave me, and to which i added Her as Owner), the most content moments during times i did not spend with Her were when other Doms said to me things like "you may tell your Mistress you made her proud" or "if you weren't already owned i would be happy to own you"...

What does it mean to be a slave apart of the status of being property?
Well, it begins with the training. As a trainee sub, i didn't have a collar: i had to use a folder with poses and animations to be able to kneel, to karta, to sit in tower or stand in shacklestand. Poses and animations that sometimes were affected by the AO i was wearing, so i had to switch the AO off while using them - so using each of the poses became a deliberate decision in favor of serving.
Thus, serving as a slave means OBEDIANCE and COMMITMENT to your Master or Mistress: the wish to please them, even despite having no collar that does the poses for you. And since They are in control of your collar, you should be able to 100% TRUST your Master or Mistress. If you can't, leave and search for someone else to surrender yourself to, someone you can trust enough. D/s (and M/s) is not abuse or exploiting, it's a special way of LOVE and DEVOTION.

Then, POLITENESS and RESPECT: As a slave, i am property, so i have to be HUMBLE: a "hi missy, howyadoing" is just wrong.
All non-slaves are Mister and Miss (beginning with upper case M as a sign of respect), or Sir/Master or Miss if they are in the lifestyle.
And especially your Master or Mistress is not just the person in the pub next street, but your Owner, which means much more than your Boss at work, since your boss doesn't own you.
Would you greet your Boss with "Hi, howdy buddy?" - I guess not.

I can say "hi" to my friends when i am dismissed and spend my spare-time, or on PG sims to mix and match - and even with this "OOC talk" it's possible to remain respectful and polite - but when i stroll around on sims that belong to the Life-style, or when i meet people who are into BDSM, i quickly switch into my "IC talk" again, and it's Mister/Sir and Miss until they tell me they don't wish to be greeted this way.
The following is another proof for the way that being a slave means to be always polite and respectful:

[2008/06/06 7:19] jake D**: I am interested in your manner, so polite
[2008/06/06 7:19] eighthdwarf Checchinato: thank you, Mister jake... I'm trying to learn and keep it up.
[2008/06/06 7:20] jake D**: have you found your way into a Dom/sub relationship? I ask as that is very typical in that area.

This happened short before my Mistress decided that i was finished with training, and collared me.
What else does it mean to be a slave: Well, it's not your part to put yourself into attention, but the part of your Mistress or Master - if they wish you to be the center of attention, they will place you there; if they don't, you have to wait until you are called. I got a few times of "kennel time" to learn that lesson well. Don't be over-eager, rather keep PATIENCE and wait for being called. Otherwise you get enough time to wait for being allowed to be in the presence of your Master or Mistress - because this also is a privilege they give you.



Speaking of privileges: since i installed the RLV, i can call everything exept the ability to log off and on a privilege my Mistress allows me to have and easily could take away. I am under Her total control, every single moment i spend in SL. The RL expression for it is TPE, Total Power Exchange: i gave my Mistress total power over me, she can take all abilities away from me if she likes, even the ability to chat or receive messages, or see names and locations, to see at all, to hear, to tp or to access my inventory - to name only a few.
And my Mistress doesn't have to proof anymore that i can trust Her, i wouldn't have installed this viewer after long consideration if i hadn't trusted Her back then.

By the way, in a few days i've been in Her service for 13 months. And guess what? I never regretted even one day that i submitted to Her.
Yes, i really love my Mistress.