Musings About Getting Immersion

..., or: a reminder to dear memories...

A few days ago, I found a very great and profound article in Adam Zadeh's wonderful blog Gorean Wines:

Try this at home or "so you wanna be a kajira"

In my journeys though out Second Life I have heard again and again the same lament.  My boyfriend/husband/significant other does not/will  understand my need to explore my submissive side.  So they start to explore this need via virtual reality programs like SL or via "relationship" sites like Collar Me, and the much superior Fet Life - where at least you can learn something.  

I personally see no harm in this.  However I have always argued that unless you experience some of these things in reality, you have no idea what it feels like.   Your reactions will be much more realistic in the game if your mind has an idea of what it would be liked to be flogged.  To be tied up or to be forced to do things.  This little article is not geared towards those of us in the lifestyle (Gorean or otherwise) but towards those that are "newbie's" to BDSM.

Some of these little exercises may make you smile, but each is designed to "give you a taste" of what a slave on Gor may have experienced in their day to day lives. [read more...]

Though I wouldn't call SL a game (I think i mentioned that already somewhere) I  think this article is a really great read for everyone who wants to be - or just play - a slave in SL.
What exercises are what he writes about? Well, duh - things you see each kajira or slave girl doing in SL.. Things like: trying the slave positions, trying how it feels to wear a collar, trying to be mindful in your acts - and a few more. And he is right, it does add realism and plausibility to your acts in the realms of SL, other virtual worlds - or even chatrooms.

These are only suggestions, how you meet your desires is up to you....but the journey there is full of wonderful surprises.

And that is something I totally can admit.Kudos to such an insightful blog and such a great article.

But this article very much reminded me of my own way to become a slave in SL, and also of a post I wrote long time ago:
Gem's blog: a few thoughts about being a slave: "I consider myself a slave, slave of Mistress Lexi Leiner , Her property. A slave with privileges though, but nonetheless a slave.  You might..."

Unfree, no matter what

In the blog Unfrei, which is written by a really devoted Gorean Kajira roleplayer, I just read a quotation that made me smile.

Can you truly give up the things you need to, to be someone's slave? Would you put yourself last, or even second? If you want something, and you are denied it… can you let it go and trust that it was for the best? Can you learn, relearn, and train even when you feel like it's hopeless? Will you still be a slave, and think of others when your mood sucks? Will you still be a slave even as tears course down your cheeks while you are punished or reprimanded? Will you still feel like being a slave when you are told he doesn't want to have you near him right now? Will you still feel like a slave if he does not touch you when you wish, but when he wishes…. Will you still want to be a slave as you toss and turn at night, your desires unmet because he said no? Will you still want to be a Gorean slave when he decides to give someone else the attention you think you deserve or that you crave?

I realized that I can  answer these questions (even though i would have to replace Master with Mistress, he with she, and discard the word Gorean), all these questions happily with  YES, YES, YES!!!
Since May 08, I've already shown that I am the slave of my Mistress no matter what, and willingly so, andt I will show anytime again that I can do it, that I not only can be, but already and for ever am, for better or worse, my Mistress' slave. - until She decides to disown me.

One last question...
How romantic does slavery sound now?

It doesn't sound romantic at all, that's true. But for me, it feels just right!


Merry Christmas my dear Mistress, and my dear few readers.

a little summary, and musings about privacy, ponyplay, Gor and Alts

I'd love to give a summary of what happened between my Mistress and i, what happened with "miss", what led to precious throw in and submit to me... And I know those who know me would love to know these reasons too. But ...
But as I have been in trouble because I talked too much once, I have promised to not mention anything about my Mistress' RL even if that's the only way to explain things happening in SL, nor anything that can (read by the wrong people) cause Her harm and drama. I think there's enough drama in RL, and we don't need that in SL as well.

Anyways, I'm still the slave of my Mistress even though we're not together anymore on a daily base in SL, we still share secrets with each other, and to see Her Dominant friends wiggle around me, Her girl, trying to get even a little information about Her is just funny. Gosh I love to act as Her "Vorzimmerdrachen": the receptionist who makes clear that her boss gets as much privacy as possible, the secretary who only lets people pass who are invited by her boss on a whim.

And precious and I get along well, though I more and more realize that I am not made to be a Domme.. I do teach her and I do lead her, but we're OOC about half of the time, and as a Mistress I should be much less lenient than I am.
Precious told me in her "Limits and Wishes" notecard that she liked to see what it is to be a pony girl. Since I have no clue about that topic myself, I made sure she applied at the training center at the Frilly Filly Farm. Well even though I am taken aback a bit, thinking of my girl to be trained by someone else in general - and as a pony girl in special, I think it may be a good experience for her and will lead to a better understanding about what obedience means to a slave. And there's the saying after all: Be careful what you wish for - it may come true.

As mentioned before, I live now on my precious' land, as a subtenant so to speak. It's called Jona's Isle, named after the character Jona from my story. It's an island on 1/4 homestead sim, and I used up almost all 936 prims there - for two houses, a tent, some trees and 2 ships and a drawbridge towards the 1/4 sim which is our normal home: Labyrinth, the home of precious. Jona's Isle looks a bit like a Gorean smugglers nest, and that is intentionally. I do hope that it is visited by some Gorean friends as an outlet for roleplay, or to relax in a environment looking a bit like their home.
Though I do love the other part too, the quarter where my precious has built her home, I do have the ambition to make this island look perfect. When I am with my precious, we use the entire half of the sim - though the main villa on Labyrinth tends to be deserted most of the time. So many plans and so little time to make new friends and invite them over :D

Why did I make Jona's Island look Gor-like, and why do I have so many Gorean friends since I talked about BDSM only? well, I do have an Alt (alternative account) role-playing in SL-Gor. She's a Scribe - which is one of the highest castes (a kind of guild) on Gor, the caste of scholars and scientists, accountants and clerks. And with this Alt I have a lot of friends both in the town I play in (her Home Stone) and elsewhere in SL-Gor. And I must say even though I would not wish for Gorean conditions here on Earth, I like this roleplay, and it is challenging. And the roleplay did actually improve my writing as much as the critiques in the writing forums.
And, between pentecost and a few weeks ago, I had a break from roleplay. Even though I had managed it then to have time for working at the newbie area, for role-playing, and for serving my Mistress, I needed a break from roleplay, so my Alt was pausing, I was in SL only with this my main account. But I started to miss the RP, so this month I decided to let my Gorean character return to her Home Stone - with a background story: my character spent the time on Jona's Island, using a false identity as a merchant's Free Companion.

My Mistress knows my Alt, just like I know the Alts of all my closest friends - and it was a strange feeling to talk to my Mistress on an equal base, though we made it like our girl-to-girl talks - but it became even stranger and more challenging when she started to pretend to be a kajira when I was dressed as a Gorean Free Woman.
I admit, I don't really like to see my Mistress at my feet, somehow I can't differ OOC from IC then: She is my Mistress after all, no matter how both of us are dressed.
And I realized, no matter which avatar I use - if I am gem or my Alt, in my perception my Mistress will always be my Mistress. It's the human behind her avatar who I submitted to, not her avatar.

been a busy bee

It may seem that I haven't done anything at all, since my last post was a few months ago.
But I was busy in RL for a while, writing.
Here are the links to the PDF-files of the English and the German version of the script to the story "Involuntary Females", as far as it goes by now (38 scenes). Once I am finished, I'll re-work them into novel form.

Onyx is now with me, though I call her precious now. Unfortunately she couldn't go well with my Mistress, so she eventually threw her collar in - but she din't want to get out of the position of a slave and she trusted me very very much... and I love her to pieces, so I finally stopped resisting her submission to me, despite I feel more as a slave than a Dominant. But I must say it is a challenging experience to teach and to lead for a change. If I wouldn't serve my Mistress whenever I can, I didn't know where to get the power and inspiration from to teach and lead Precious.
Anyway, even though my Mistress doesn't like the fact that I act as a switch now, and especially doesn't like the fact that precious is now my girl, I still try to make Her proud by doing as She taught me, by taking Her as shiny example.

A third jewel - and a Lioness fights for Her pups

Our little family has grown bigger. Dream, who came into SL about 6 or 7 weeks ago, submitted to Mistress a few days ago. After the first time Dream met Mistress, Mistress asked us (onyx and me) to friend her, and to try explain her the M/s lifestyle.
Well we did begin to explain it to her, and Dream stated that she would like to be like us.
Then, a few days ago, Dream came to the place where we girls were kneeling before Mistress, more exactly: Mistress asked onyx to tp Dream to her. Without thinking i greeted her as "Miss Dream" (damn habits, calling everyone Miss or Sir), and short time later i gave her the tower animation that she could kneel before Mistress to submit to Her. After Mistress spoke to her and short before she was accepted by Her, Dream asked me to not call her miss anymore (yes, the word with lower case letters) - so Mistress asked her if she would dislike to be called miss. Dream answered yes, so Mistress decided that Dream's new slave name would be miss now, much to her dismay.
Actually i do hope that miss will be her name only temporary, that she will get a jewel name like the names of onyx or me, but it's up to Mistress whether or not She decides for one.
Onyx then was sent to go with her buy her our slave uniform, then all 4 of U/us went to the Open Collar place to get a collar and the AO for our new sister.

While waiting there, onyx tried to talk a bit to someone else's slave, but her Master waited with his complaint until W/we were outside the most crowded place, then addressed Mistress that She demanded Her to punish onyx for whispering to other Master's slaves without Their permission. Wow that was a wrong thing to demand. Mistress asked if onyx said anything wrong to his slave, and when he said no, just that onyx didn't ask him first, She got cross at him and said that we, Her girls, were free to talk to anyone unless being told to be silent at all, and that it was not up to him to scold Her girls publicly. Mistress defended onyx like a Lioness one of Her pups.

When we were back home again, all three jewels leashed to Mistress, i was surprised how very much miss absorbed her new position as a slave, how very fast she adapted to it. I do hope she keeps that pace, and stays with us. I have the feeling that - if she stays - she will be a very valuable asset in Mistress' little collection of jewels, as valuable as onyx.

Catching Up

I know i havent taken care of this my blog for way too long...
I'm really sorry about that. But like my Mistress uses to say: RL comes always first.

So, this post will become somewhat long today.

Yes, I'm still with my Mistress. She seemed to have forgiven me, and her friend Sir T. who i also did hurt with my talking to d* (even made his situation in RL worse than it was before) seems to have forgiven me.

So i could be happy about that fact and close that chapter like they did, if ... well if I myself wouldnt be so slow at forgiving me. :(


I talked with Master Thorin, and He managed to calm me down, and He sent me a link to a picture and told me to place it here when i told him that i wanted to write about my thoughts in that matter.

I don't know if it really fits in here but as He asked me so nicely ...

Hm... Well ... Zen stuff *shrug* I never understood that part.



* * *


Speaking of closing a chapter: The Community Gateway in FFH Land, formerly belonging to the virtual town of Frankfurt, has closed, and the sim will disappear soon.

I liked working there, helping newbies in a town that resembled the big city close to where i live in RL. It had a feeling of being near home.



Sadly, this CG has closed there forever - and it's even sadder that it wasn't even for financial reasons: there would have been sponsors for it. No, it was personal reasons why the CG was dumped.

Now, that the place has been junked with memorables and pictures, it doesnt look even a bit homely anymore - as i had to see when i was there with my sister Onyx.



By the way, the letters DID on the entry place don't mean the past tense of DO, but are the abbreviation of "Deutscher Info-Dienst", German Info Service.


*sigh*


Seeing how the place has changed, and knowing that it is only a memorial now, no place for incoming newbies anymore, made (and still makes) me sad.


So, to a more homelier place:

"Thorin's Land", the land Master Thorin and i own on Temptations, the sim of my Mistress.


I finally finished the chapel for Onyx, even though i had to buy clocks and a bell and the benches for it. But the money Onyx gave me for it was more than enough to to buy them and still have a win.

Here it is in it's final form:



Yes i know it rather looks like a church than a chapel :D but Onyx liked it, and that was important.


And, Master Thorin bought a house (actually had it custom-built) as a new home for us.
Since this one has a basement, it had to be placed on a hill - so a lot of new landscaping had to be made which led to new ideas (and a bit of time to spend with working to realize them).









Home warming party will be soon, i already work on an invitation list and on the preparations for the party.





I love my Mistress, and i love my sister Onyx
Let's hope the powers that be let us all live happy on Temptations and in this new house.

resignation

I couldn't tell my fiancee of what has happened - and until now He doesn't know about this blog yet. Still He is wondering what bothers me right now. But i couldn't tell Him...
It just hurts too much, i couldn't log into SL today. My shame and guilt is bigger than my addiction to SL.
I do hope though that (my) Mistress understands that i stayed off-line.

Just as i was distracting my mind writing, i got an off-line message of the woman i had talked with: she offered to intervene on my behalf.
I wasn't able to even react, my mind was drawn back to my devastating mistake, and my first reaction was that i just moved the mail into the junk folder.
I really do hope She doesn't or already didn't try to intervene, it would make everything worse. Though - what is worse than being abandoned by one's beloved Mistress? Abandoned by the center of one's universe? No i really couldn't go on-line today. :(

Service in Frankfurt, a Kiss, and RL issues

Today i did not only visit the CG (Community Gateway a.k.a. Welcome Area) in Frankfurt but also served there one hour - yes i call it serving, not working, because i consider it a service when i explain newbies the first steps in SL.





After that i was teleported to the place where my Mistress was: at the skybox of Master Vincent. He made Her and me test some poseballs - and one of the positions He could select from (i think via a HUD or so) was a kiss - so while my Mistress was afk, i could kiss Her right on Her lips.



Well Mistress must have liked it - because She smiled all the time when She was present in SL between the times She had to be present in RL...
Well even though RL pays the money W/we need to live in SL, it sometimes gets in the way of having fun.

A nice Quotation

Even though i don't like the world of Gor and find the books of the Gor Chronicles quite boring, there are some jewels to be found in these books written by John Norman, just like this one:

“Do your best,” said Feike. “Each of us is a different slave. Each of us unique. Each of us precious, no matter what the beasts say. Certainly they bid hard enough to own us, they fight wars to possess us, they risk their lives to steal us, they fight for us, they kill for us, do not let them tell you you are not important and valuable! Each of us is different, and special. Each must try to be the slave she is, not another slave, but the slave she is, the deepest and most profound slave, which is her deepest self. Remember, there is no other slave such as I, and there is no other slave such as you.”
Prize of Gor Ch 24

A wonderful Day

Have i mentioned before that my Mistress is a "switch"?
Hm... Please forgive me, i forgot...
Well, for explanation: a switch is someone who needs to be both: dominant and submissive. And as much as my Mistress enjoys being a Mistress, she enjoys to serve as a slave. And She likes the thrill of being "sold" at an auction.
By such an event She has found a new Master for a week now - by contract this means 20 hrs plus what she is willing to add.

Short after i logged in and greeted Her, She tp'd me to His place. Master Vincent is a nice and experienced dominant man who i quickly felt comfortable with, so i didn't bother when He started teasing Mistress sexually and asked me questions i would have blushed like a tomato if someone else had asked them.
Suddenly i was told to also start teasing Mistress and to undress, and since Mistress said it were up to me to follow or to say stop, i decided to obey. When did i ever have the chance to tease my Mistress before? Even sexually? *grins mischievously*

Wow it WENT far.
Short time after we began, Master Vincent excused Himself and vanished, leaving us alone. With time, it went so far, i would have orgasmed in RL if Master Thorin (my RL fiancee) hadn't come home from His training hours just in the very minute before i could.
**phew - do you know the feeling when you are just on the edge to total bliss, and you get disturbed? An ice-cold shower is nothing compared to it (though needed immediately)**
And *wow* the REAL high you only get being with another girl - men are never able to drive you this high: women just know a female body too well *blush*

I really don't know if Master Thorin would like the idea of his RL girl being sexual with another girl, especially with my Mistress. But He never scolded me for things that i did to please my Mistress -- shouldn't a good slave do anything to please her Mistress? *grin*


Anyways ...
Short time after Mistress and i went home to Temptations, Misty, a former resident there, submitted to my Mistress. Misty has told me for days how she envied me for my life as a slave, so ...
well...
as soon as my Mistress had time (being a sim-owner and having a RL job on the phone does interrupt sometimes) She talked with her, then send me to get her a collar, and accepted her as Her new slave. Wow ..
Yes i am excited. YAY!! Now i have a sister again!
Now i am first girl and will have to help Mistress teach this new girl :) I'm so looking forward to it!

a few thoughts about being a slave

I consider myself a slave, slave of Mistress Lexi Leiner , Her property. A slave with privileges though, but nonetheless a slave.

You might now ask: What? A slave? Isn't slavery illegal?

And yes, besides the BDSM context of Safe, Sane, Consensual, slavery is illegal almost everywhere. In some few countries even despite of it.
BDSM means: Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, SadoMasochism - and is for some not only a game but a life-style. But nonetheless everything happening in this context is CONSENSUAL - well, at least it's supposed to be, per definition.

Unlike the historical slavery, being a slave in M/s (Master/slave, the intensification of D/s (Dominant/submissive)) relationships have nothing to do with forced obediance, or disconsent. It is a sign of TRUST and LOVE to the Master or Mistress to decide not to be their part-time sub anymore but their 24/7 slave, and means a high degree of COMMITMENT on both sides. It's not only that you as a slave are supposed to be available to serve on every whim of your Master or Mistress, it is also that your Master or Mistress has to be available to serve your need to serve them, and not all of them can handle this RESPONSIBILITY.
And yes, you become property, like a pet - only that you are a human being. And which owner would abandon their pet? Only people who can't handle this responsibility.
To become a slave is a decision of free will, which must be considered thoroughly before going the way. It can become a slippery slope with no return to the former normalcy of being an "emancipated woman" - and without responsible guiding it even might become a mental and emotional dependence, a bondage that binds you more effectively to your Master/Mistress than any chain and restraint can do.

I must say my Mistress is very caring and shows very much responsibility - and until now She doesn't even know about this blog, so it's my real, unaffected opinion ;)
Well, as much as She dislikes to be without me, Her gem, as much She wishes to prevent Her gem from any damage, be it emotionally or otherwise - even from damage She might cause by irresponsible behaviour. We quite often do "girl-to-girl talks" or other "Out of Character" (OOC) things that She can relax from this responsibility for a while.
I try to serve her any way i'm able to, be it running errands, be it listening, be it things like moving stuff around or making textures for boxes, or just sitting there to be shown off... whatever pleases Her, i do. And willingly so.
And when She's not around i try to please Her, to make Her proud of me. **smiles: here's the "good dog" comparison again** (edited to repair the link)

Anyways, since i'm wearing Her collar (means, the collar She gave me, and to which i added Her as Owner), the most content moments during times i did not spend with Her were when other Doms said to me things like "you may tell your Mistress you made her proud" or "if you weren't already owned i would be happy to own you"...

What does it mean to be a slave apart of the status of being property?
Well, it begins with the training. As a trainee sub, i didn't have a collar: i had to use a folder with poses and animations to be able to kneel, to karta, to sit in tower or stand in shacklestand. Poses and animations that sometimes were affected by the AO i was wearing, so i had to switch the AO off while using them - so using each of the poses became a deliberate decision in favor of serving.
Thus, serving as a slave means OBEDIANCE and COMMITMENT to your Master or Mistress: the wish to please them, even despite having no collar that does the poses for you. And since They are in control of your collar, you should be able to 100% TRUST your Master or Mistress. If you can't, leave and search for someone else to surrender yourself to, someone you can trust enough. D/s (and M/s) is not abuse or exploiting, it's a special way of LOVE and DEVOTION.

Then, POLITENESS and RESPECT: As a slave, i am property, so i have to be HUMBLE: a "hi missy, howyadoing" is just wrong.
All non-slaves are Mister and Miss (beginning with upper case M as a sign of respect), or Sir/Master or Miss if they are in the lifestyle.
And especially your Master or Mistress is not just the person in the pub next street, but your Owner, which means much more than your Boss at work, since your boss doesn't own you.
Would you greet your Boss with "Hi, howdy buddy?" - I guess not.

I can say "hi" to my friends when i am dismissed and spend my spare-time, or on PG sims to mix and match - and even with this "OOC talk" it's possible to remain respectful and polite - but when i stroll around on sims that belong to the Life-style, or when i meet people who are into BDSM, i quickly switch into my "IC talk" again, and it's Mister/Sir and Miss until they tell me they don't wish to be greeted this way.
The following is another proof for the way that being a slave means to be always polite and respectful:

[2008/06/06 7:19] jake D**: I am interested in your manner, so polite
[2008/06/06 7:19] eighthdwarf Checchinato: thank you, Mister jake... I'm trying to learn and keep it up.
[2008/06/06 7:20] jake D**: have you found your way into a Dom/sub relationship? I ask as that is very typical in that area.

This happened short before my Mistress decided that i was finished with training, and collared me.
What else does it mean to be a slave: Well, it's not your part to put yourself into attention, but the part of your Mistress or Master - if they wish you to be the center of attention, they will place you there; if they don't, you have to wait until you are called. I got a few times of "kennel time" to learn that lesson well. Don't be over-eager, rather keep PATIENCE and wait for being called. Otherwise you get enough time to wait for being allowed to be in the presence of your Master or Mistress - because this also is a privilege they give you.



Speaking of privileges: since i installed the RLV, i can call everything exept the ability to log off and on a privilege my Mistress allows me to have and easily could take away. I am under Her total control, every single moment i spend in SL. The RL expression for it is TPE, Total Power Exchange: i gave my Mistress total power over me, she can take all abilities away from me if she likes, even the ability to chat or receive messages, or see names and locations, to see at all, to hear, to tp or to access my inventory - to name only a few.
And my Mistress doesn't have to proof anymore that i can trust Her, i wouldn't have installed this viewer after long consideration if i hadn't trusted Her back then.

By the way, in a few days i've been in Her service for 13 months. And guess what? I never regretted even one day that i submitted to Her.
Yes, i really love my Mistress.